|Posted on August 23, 2010 at 5:00 PM|
You might think that on a day that started off with the FedEx man bringing me a new iPad – oh, that’s right, Best Buy! You can strike me down, but I’m only gonna return more powerful than you can ever imagine! – that not much could throw me off my game. That just seeing that gleaming, black iPad sitting there on my desk, resting so peacefully in its cradle, charging up and getting ready to spring forth like a frickin’ technological Kraken, would overshadow all manner of jerkery.
But you’d be wrong. I feel like I’ve swilled a Venti latte filled with bitter steaming agita with an extra dollop of tension and some shavings of pissed-off. I am tense. I am angry. And I’m sweating. It’s either PMS, Malaria or I’ve just returned from the Gulf. And that I have to close all of my programs and restart my computer to sync the iPad is not helping.
First off is the whole issue with that manufacturer wanting to cut us off. The previous blog post has received a good bit of attention, but yet, the whole thing just feels ugly. One half of me wants to be all, “Fine, you want to drop us, well then F you!” But the other half really wants to keep the line and says, “OK. Let’s go to war!” Anyhow, this morning I received a certified letter saying, “This letter shall serve as notice that we are terminating our business relationship with you and your company…under the terms of our Dealer Agreement as set forth in paragraph 9.” I’m not sure what paragraph 9 says exactly, but I’m guessing that it doesn’t mention any trips to Disney Land or face painting and unlimited cotton candy eating. They really tried to punch up the sentiment by saying that they “do not intend this as a negative statement” and that they “wish you best of luck in the future.” Thanks! I’m feeling less negative and more futurey already! (The letter is dated August 13, so clearly it is not in response to my post or reaching out to the PR contact.)
Then I get a call from a total jerk that is not even my customer yet somehow seems to always ask for me. Due to his last name, I refer to him as Curly Pubes. (Note: If you have a last name that can even remotely be made fun of, chances are good that I have made fun of it. I’m sorry. I can’t help it. Blame the limo driver at Boston with the Sicaca sign.) His TVs got hit by lightning last week. Now he is calling like every day to see what we are going to do about it.
“Are my TVs fixed?”
“No, I’m afraid they aren’t.”
“Well why not? The lightning happened like two weeks ago! Why aren’t you doing something?”
“You called me last Monday. We immediately send two techs to your house to check the TVs and then picked them up. We installed loaners. We returned your sets to our store. And now we are waiting for the manufacturer’s authorized servicer to come take a look at them.”
“Well why didn’t you call me.”
“Yeah. To say they aren’t fixed yet.”
“Well, I don’t normally call customers to tell them that things AREN’T done.”
“Well, don’t you know anything about fixing TVs?”
“No I don’t."
"What do you mean? You see TVs. Why can't you fix my TV?"
"Selling TVs is different than fixing TVs."
"So you can't fix my TV?"
"No. I don't know anything about fixing TVs. Do you?”
“Do you know anything about fixing TVs?”
“OK. Neither do I. It’s a specialty.”
“Can’t you just plug it in and see what’s wrong?”
“I did. It won’t turn on. That’s what’s wrong.”
“Well, that should tell you what to fix.”
“Look, it could be a $5 fuse or a $1000 board. I have no way of knowing. I’m not a TV repair specialist.”
“I bought my TVs from you because I expected to get service.”
“What more service do you want? You called, we picked up the sets. We returned them to our store. We installed loaners. We met with your insurance adjuster. Now we’re waiting on the TV repair company.”
“My renters are expecting a 60-inch TV, not a 30-inch.”
“I can solve that problem for you right now. I’ll sell you a brand new 60-inch set. I can have it there this afternoon.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. I’m not paying for a new TV.”
“You want a 60-inch TV so bad for your renters, I can solve that problem. You want to know how I can service you; I’ll sell you a new one today. Problem solved. Then you work it out with your insurance. Otherwise, you have to wait. Until the repair tech comes out to look at it.”
“Well, you need to get on the phone and make him come out.”
“Look, he doesn’t work for me. I can’t dictate his schedule. Dick.....tate."
Then I get a call from a builder. That guy that previously tried to Patriot Missile me at every up sell opportunity. This guy has seriously earned his Black Belt in Verbal Dickery. It seems like he tries to slip in these little “Dude, you are such a DICK!” comments into his conversations. Like you’ll say, “I can’t remember if we went over this…” and he’ll say, “Well, I remember, and we did go over it and this is what we decided…” So he leaves me this long voicemail that starts off with this lengthy diatribe about how he’s calling my cell phone instead of the store because “of previous mistakes of calling your office in the past” where I don’t seem to get his voice mails. (Sidenote: When you are a jerkenstein, don't expect your messages to rise like cream to the top of the pile.) Then he goes on that I shouldn’t call his cell phone but I should call his office, the number “which remains XXX” which is totally unnecessary since we have been doing business for like 10 years and the number hasn’t changed. Honestly, it is the “which remains” part that is this guy at his giant-dick best. Then he goes off about our wire lengths and are we billing him for the wire lengths, and why is there 6 foot of wire coming out of the wall at our home run, and how our coil of wire is making it hard for other trades to work around if you can give me answers to that it would be helpful. Here’s my answer: YOU’RE A DOUCHE!
Then I received a speaker driver via UPS for a customer. (The guy from the 3D TV install last week.) So this customer purchased a pair of Definitive Technology Mythos towers and he asked us to come down a few weeks ago and check what sounded like distorted sound in a bass driver. Between drive time there and back and diagnosing, we spent about 1.5 hours determining it was a bad driver. So we ordered a new driver from Def Tech. (Seriously, if you have never dealt with Chet at Def Tech, the guy is awesome. He is a can-do tech supporter, all English, all the time. Awesome side note: Once we had a customer that said his subwoofer was broken. It wouldn’t power on. So, he brings it in and HOLY CRAP! This thing reeks like the tomb of the undead. Except it was more like the tomb of the recently dead and still highly rotty and pissed off about the whole thing. It smells SO bad, I make him leave the sub outside. Then the customer mentions that his daughter’s gerbil also happened to go missing around the time the sub stopped working. So, I call Chet and I explain that I think the family gerbil done went and crawled inside the sub and then died and fried something. And that there is NO way this is Def Tech’s fault, and that he should TOTALLY charge the customer for whatever needed to be done, but that there is no way in hell I am taking the speaker apart and working on it. So I wrapped it in a Heft bag all CSI style and shipped it to Chet. Chet took it all apart, removed the fried and rotting rodent corpse from between the high and low level amp boards, rebuilt the sub with new springy-fresh and 100% rotten corpse smell free parts. And returned it. For free. Chet is a total ninja!) So after about 10 days, I realized that the driver still wasn’t here. (I realized this after the customer called and said, “Hey, John. Where is my driver? You didn’t forget to order it did you?” Those are the kinds of realizations I’m best with.) So I call Chet who tracks it and finds out that it did indeed leave their factory and then….poof! Bermuda triangle. Turns out some FedEx driver also needed a Mythos driver. So Chet overnights a new one. Which arrived today. So I dispatch a tech down to installer it. Again, about 20 minutes there. And my guy pulls the speaker apart, getting way up inside the speaker’s biznass, and replaces the driver. And reconnects everything. And gets it all put back together. And tests it. And hears the exact same distortion. So he puts in a call to Chet who suggests that we probably have a bad amp. So now I am another 3 hours into this repair from today’s shenanigans with at least another 2 required for the there-and-back amp replacement. Ugh! That is essentially like setting fire to an entire work day for this installer. Except also caught in the fire are the three there and back van trips.
Then all I’ve had for lunch today is a snack pack of Cheetos. Which, frankly has only aroused my appetite without beddin’ her back down again. I could totally use my third of a gopher.
You know why I love this blog? Because now, after I’ve had a chance to get all this vitriol out like a wicked case of hot-chili diarrhea, I feel better. Agita down. Urge to kill falling...falling...RISING!!!!...falling... And look….there’s an iPad. Just sitting there!