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Survivor: One World - Thanks for the Souvenir

Posted on March 22, 2012 at 11:30 AM

Previously on Survivor…


Probst brings the One World house of cards crashing to the ground when he announces, “Drop your buffs! You are switching tribes!” It's time to switch up the teams; grab an egg, break it; Orange is Manono, Blue is Salani. Resulting in most…uneven…switch-up…EVER! Young, strong and beautiful -- Banker “Sweet asset reallocation!” Michael, Sabrina, Kat “Did I fart?” Jay, Kim, Chelsea “that’s my name, chicken catchin’ is my game!” and Troyzan – on Salani. Old, gay, short and lame (and Monica) -- Tarzan, Colton, Christina, Leif, Colton, Jonas and Monica Awesomepepper – are Manono. Manono as in, “We gonna win ma-no-mo' challenges.” And, guess what? They don’t! Colton describes the other tribe as Greek Gods and his as “peasants,” “village people” and “people that suck.” So he *loves* his new tribe. They lose the reward and then go on to get dominated in the Immunity (where Leif is pretty standout, Michael shows that he can go 3 for 253 in lay-ups and Colton gets virtually water boarded by Jay).  Kim finds a hidden Immunity Idol which she immediately crams into her crotch (information she immediately shares with Chelsea). Colton  Vulcan mind-melds with Alicia and convinces her that Monica Bhut Jolokia-Pepper is the biggest threat and needs to go. At Tribal, Tarzan brings out the crazy with such awesomeness as, “Drop my assertiveness to a new load star which is a member of this group… I shan’t say, because the game is afoot” and “Neolotism” and sharing that he has nominal effasia which is why he can’t remember people’s names. This also finally answers what was wrong with Phillip Sheppard! Put on the spot, Tarzan can barely remember the names of Jonas who he has spent 14, 24-hour days with so far. In the end, they (retardedly) decide to vote off Monica “abs of steel” Culpepper, leaving 13…


Day 14…


Cut back to night at camp after the vote and Alicia says, “I’m sorry, but that was the funniest tribal council I’ve been to.” Uh, OK. Out of ALL the Tribal’s you’ve been to, you mean. On Day 14, you’re practically the damn Survivor Cal Ripken Jr. of Tribal Councils. But let me figure it up. You’ve been to one, plus one, carry the 2, exponential, square root, inverse cosine and tangent. Oh, yeah. That’s right. Three. This is your THIRD Tribal Council. And out of ALL of those, it was…funny? Because…why? Because you voted out of the strongest player – not the strongest, woman, mind you, but the strongest PLAYER – on your tribe in Monica Calientepepper? Getting rid of the person who helped most around camp and gave you the only real chance of winning? Oh, yeah, that was frickin' *hysterical*!

 

Christina says she totally didn’t expect that at all, and mean-girl, Queen Colton explains. “Well, that’s why it’s called a blindside! Duh!”


Colton has found a kindred spirit – a dark, twisted, damaged and infected spleen-filled spirit – in Alicia and now makes snuggle-bunnies with her, cuddling up by the fire.



With Bill gone, Colton has no one to point the focusing rings of his hate-laser on, so he selects the next obvious minority in Christina, going into a lengthy spite-filled diatribe that lets Christina know that she is “a thieving cockroach” and that no one will go off with her and her best bet is to try and go off and make an alliance with a hermit crab. And PS "if by some MIRACULOUS miracle, you should HAPPEN to make it to the merge, you’re the first to go." Before the guys, before the girls, before the palm tree, before the crate of chickens that Chelsea is breeding, before that rotting pile of bananas, before the unholy army of the undead that may rise from the sea! By God, Christina Cha, you are going first. FIRRRRRRST!


Alicia is also on Team Colton and being a total-B to Christina. “I’m not gonna make room for you to sleep in the shelter because you’re going to be gone in a few days anyhow so it doesn’t matter. Your comfort and treatment over the next couple of days should really be as miserable as possible, because I’m with Colton and that’s how we treat people we don’t like. And you are one of those people. One of the MANY people.”


Then we see Leif sleeping in the Hotel Leif Carlton. It is just awaiting its final Zagat review, but we’re *pretty sure* it’s gonna get the full 5-stars…



Day 15 and over on Olympus, there is morning coffee for the Salani tribe. Sure it isn’t Blue Bottle and probably not a Free Trade blend, but it is really the right way to start off the day. Kat expresses that she “died last night. Alicia killed me in my dream. At the mall. Shopping for clothes. And, uh, Alicia killed me in my dream. Maybe that’s a sign, maybe it’s not, but I really hope she doesn’t kill me, that was really scary for me.”



Tree mail – Kim reads the clue which alludes to being a kid playing in your back yard for something sweet.



“What do you play in your backyard?”


“Tag?” “Skipping?” “Basketball?”  “Dodgeball?” “Baseball?” “Croquet?”  “Hopscotch?”


Then Kat offers, “Tic-tac-toe?” Oh, Kat! You brain so good!


Bottom-line, it doesn't really matter. Team Salani is whoopin’ some ass today and WHATEVER the challenge, they’re excited and ready to stomp that yard.


“Come on in guys!” Reward challenge. Sabrina sees Monica being voted out as them planning on picking the girls off one-by-one-by-one. Race to the top of a stack of crates, throw a coconut that bounces off a trampoline and breaks a drum-like target. First team to break five of their targets wins a Survivor-styled ice-cream parlor.



“Winning tribe will go to a Survivor style ice cream parlor where there will be a variety of flavors. You can make sundaes. You can make floats. You can eat ice cream until your stomach hurts. Oh. And…it…will! Bwa-ha-ha!!! Wait. I probably shouldn’t have had that evil laugh there. We’ll cut that in post….Anyhow…” And, can I just take a moment to point out the obvious.....WHO IN THE WORLD PLAYED THIS AS A KID IN THEIR BACKYARDS?!?! The guy that invented the game Mousetrap's kids?


Throw-miss. Throw-miss. Throw-miss. Throw-miss. Throw-miss… We learn quite a bit about the athletic style of people in this challenge. How they climb up the crates for instance. Jay practically leaps to the top in a single bound. Kim and Kat run up like they do stair-cardio work all the time. Colton actually runs up like there is a sale on pastel polos or a meeting of young, eligible gay Republicans at the top. Tarzan climbs crates like he remembers names; slow, stumbly, and forgetful. Also he has fashioned himself some kind of full leg-brace and he climbs up with all the flexibility of a newly risen Frankenstein. Leif scampers/scrambles/scurries up the pile of crates on all-fours like a monkey or chimpanzee something. I don’t mean that derogatorily; he just springs up. It’s pretty awesome and Leif is proving that his size is absolutely NOT a factor in anything they have been challenged to do so far.



Most of the girls throw like, um, girls, but not Kim. She grabs it one-handed and fires it in Nolan Ryan style and gets the first score for Salani. 1-0. I think “Bridal Store Owner” is really curtailed for “Owner/Pitcher for Female AAA ball club in Bridal Falls.” Tarzan then connects for Manono, tied 1-1. Leif then connects and it is Manono 2-1. Colton throws a coconut that actually manages to come back and ALMOST hit him. I know, you might think this defies the laws of time and space, but I have actually seen my friend – cough – Pierre – cough – hit a golf ball between HIS OWN LEGS! So, I know that anything can happen. (I'm also going to avoid the low-hanging "Colton should be used to handling furry balls" thing here...) Also, Chelsea connects and we’re tied 2-2. Jay drills one and it is 3-2 Salani. Tarzan lumbers to the top, hesitates and then fires and scores and we’re tied 3-3.


Even though everyone is moving at the IDENTICAL speed and that Colton nearly accomplished hitting himself, he still manages to finds time to berate Christina and swear at her some more. It touching in a team-bonding sort of way. If you were bonding with say, Hitler and Satan.


Kat scores for Salani and its 4-3.


You can also tell how Jeff feels about people in a competition. To Leif he shouts encouragement like, “Let’s go, buddy! Give it everything you got!” To Aliciia, he repeatedly points out her shortcomings over and over. “Alicia, throws it like a little kid!” “Last time Alicia had NO luck. Once again…WAY short! My NEPHEW could throw it further than that!” “Alicia, think about what you’re doing and THROW THIS THING!” “Alicia….pathetic!”


Throw-miss. Throw-miss. Finally, “Troyzan can win it right here….and he does! SALANI WINS ICE CREAM REWARD!” Troyzan then looks at Manono, and starts pointing and shouting, “YEAH!!! THIS IS OUR ISLAND!!!”




Colton says that Christina can quit or she can wait around to be voted out in two days, “or she can jump in the fire and be medi-vac’d….” FORESHADOWING… (Bum-bum-bum....)  


And wait...do you hear that? What is that sound? It is a distant, whirring, chomping, destroying sound. Kind of a whump-whump-whump, but with wet, crunching, eating sounds. Is it the Langoliers coming to eat the world? Is it a Class 5 twister on the horizon coming to destroy camp with Antie Em and Dorothy and Toto screaming for help? Is it the Flight of the Valkyries from Apocalypse Now coming to scorch fire on the beaches of Survivor? Is it a Dragon Rider of Pern? Or maybe something from Mordor? No… It’s the sound of Karma in the distance. And she is one angry, spiteful bitch. She’s been wronged. And she’s coming…


We cut to the the ice cream bar and it’s nice and all, but the flavors are kinda like, “We’ve got both kinds…chocolate AND vanilla! And vanilla, AND chocolate!” They have like 8 to choose from, but no Ben & Jerry’s? No cookies’ and cream? No chocolate/peanut butter? I mean, it’s nice, I guess, but it missed such a marketing possibility…



They are rocking some serious scoops and toppings, and cones and all enjoying life and celebrating win #3 in a row.  Sabrina asks if someone can pinch her and if Ashton Kutcher is gonna punk her right now. And also, I've already written about having a Survivor Sundae before.




Kat says, “Oh, my god! I haven’t had a soda in forever! It’s delicious!” Remember, we’re on day 15. I live in civilization and often go 15 days without soda. I’m probably on at least Day 15 right now in fact.


Back at Manono Colton – once again laying on his divan with Alicia – reminds Christina that she has two options. “No. You have three options. You can enjoy your last two days, you can quit OR you can just jump into the fire, whichever is more convenient for you.” You gotta hand it to Colton; he's really overly generous in the option giving department.


Christina realizes that no one likes her and that “she is the cockroach of Survivor” but her parents didn’t raise no quitters, so she’s not gonna quit!




You know who DOES like Christina Cha? The Interwebs. I get more Google searches to my site for “Survivor Christina Cha nude” than anything else. People out there want to see Christina’s Cha-Chas. Or maybe her cha-CHA. Either. Or probably both.


Tarzan asks Colton if they "can perchance go and have a talk for a couple of minutes." The other tribe members – Jonas and Leif -- see this, and are all clearly deep in the midst of Colton Stockholm Syndrome. They huddle in a corner and tell each other it will all be OK and that it will be over soon and that Colton will let them live and they can go on with living and forgetting that this ever happened. Remember, they witnessed the Colton “I hate Bill because he’s poor and struggling and a comic and different” speech – but yet they seem to have NO interest in making a move to do anything. “It isn’t our turn to die today, so, we’ll just keep doing nothing and obeying Colton. He has the idol, so he is pretty much God out here and we need to obey everything he says.” Also, recall that Colton berated Leif and dressed him down and told him he blew it and chose wrong and was going to pay because of it. You all DO remember that, right? Cause clearly Jonas and Leif have forgotten. Time is clearly weird out on the island.


With Tarzan, Colton and Alicia off either discussing plans for world domination or helping Tarzan prep for the name remember portion of the MCAT exams, Christina approaches Jonas and Leif and lays it out there. She has nothing to lose right now and it’s either her or Alicia right now and it’s up to the guys. If you want to win the game, Alicia has an alliance with the girls, and you need to vote her out now. It’s a numbers game! And you guys aren’t doing anything!!!


Fortunately, Alicia happens to walk up and stand directly behind Christina for the finale of her speech and give her the classic, slow, uber-condescending, total Christian Bale, “Good for YOU!” clap.



“You’re digging yourself into a bigger grave.” Umm, if you’re going into a grave already, does the size of your grave really matter? Perhaps a bigger grave is more comfortable? Perhaps a bigger grave gives you a little more room to toss and turn. Or makes it easier to come back and haunt people that have been horrible to you. Perhaps a big grave is exactly what Christina has always wanted. Whatever, but if there is a grave to be dug...



We cut back and for the love of God, what is happening here?!?! Christina is actually comforting Colton. “He says his brain hurts.” Christina! You don't offer succor to a succubus! Now is your chance! Ram a shiv into his temple! Why are you being nice to him! When the monster is weak is when you strike!




Colton says it feels like his brain has attached to his skull; like it is swollen and sticking to the brain-skull. But instead of finishing him all Mortal Kombat style -- Kitana wins! Flawless Victory! -- Christina is all comforting and head stroking. “You haven’t been eating. This is stressful, it’s a stressful environment and it’s the first time that you’ve been away from home, right? I mean, you’re just a little baby that is taken care of by his family and that lets his momma take care of him.”


No! NO! Christina! Squeeze the life out of him! Just a steady, crushing pressure on the throat; he’ll struggle for a bit, then go limp, but you don't stop! No! Just keep squeezing for a few more minutes and then just say, “Oh. Weird. It looks like Colton went to sleep. Let’s not bother him. He needs his rest. I'm gonna put a blanky on him.” Listen to Big Chief! He'll tell you what to do!



Of course, Colton immediately criticizes Christina for just doing whatever she has to do to stay in the game. Tarzan starts diagnosing Colton. “Sounds like dehydration. Could lead to tachycardia, headache, kidney failure, appendicitis, gall bladder, bowel obstruction; could be early appendicitis or more advanced appendicitis or it could be something totally benign like gas in the cecum.” This from a man who can’t remember Jonas’ name after 15 days of continual 24-hour contact…


Colton – in a classic, chipper, mint-green polo interview – says, “I’m severely dehydrated. My pee is brown.” He is lying on the ground saying, “I’m dying. I’m literally about to die.” Christina stumbles upon him and instead of throwing a palm frond over him and saying, “Shhh. Don’t say a word. Just lie here and die quietly. Shhh… Be strong.” and then walking away, she instead goes and gets Jeff and medical.




Colton, who on Days 1-5 was saying that he wanted to leave, is now crying that “I just don’t want to leave!” The diagnosis is looking like appendicitis. “I just want to prove that I can do it. But, well, I’ve done as much as I can. I guess that’s it.” That change of heart in the span of about 10 seconds.


Jeff says, “You still have the immunity idol? What are you going to do with it?”


“I guess I’m going to give it to someone…”


Jeff calls the tribe over and announces that….COLTON IS BEING PULLED FROM THE GAME! Ding-dong the witch is dead! The wicked Queen Witch is DEAD! That sound we heard earlier? That noise on the horizon? Oh, yeah, that was karma coming, and she has arrived like a whirring scythe blade. And now that she’s here, Colton has to call it!



Colton’s final words. “Go get ‘em. You all know what you’re up against. And y’all know an idol is out of play. Tell Sabrina 'thanks for the souvenir.'” Ahh, Colton! Classic self-centered, thinks-only-of-himself, boy-bitch till the end, keeps the idol instead of giving it to someone – Alicia – that could help them.


Alicia is having a moment of not-so-quiet reflection. “If I hadn’t voted off Monica, I’d be in a much better position right now…” But now, bwa-ha-ha! Alicia is public enemy and target number one. Perhaps in some small way Colton's bum appendix and Alicia (hopefully) being voted off can be Monica's rising Phoenix beyond the grave moment.


“If there was a karma, Colton got some karma right back at him.” Jonas in his most profound statement of the entire show, and summing up what every Survivor viewer in America was thinking. See ya, Colton! Won’t miss ya, and hope you suffer on the way to medical, buddy!


Tree mail. “The game continues on, so don’t give up the fight; you haven’t won, you haven’t lost, but you will go to tribal tonight….” Salani doesn’t know what’s going on, and they have a big circle of discussion on what could happen. Who? What? When? Where? That’s when Dana pointed out that Kim TOTALLY is rockin’ a mustache. Hey, a lady needs a regular wax and bleach session, and the Survivor spa has been totally overbooked lately!



Back on Manono it’s “Oh, snap! We’re going to Tribal!” They think that they're just going to talk about Colton, but…what if they have to vote for someone….?


Tarzan goes around the tribe. “Leif would be my friend. Jonas would be my friend. That hanging fern over there? My total BFF. But you, Katrina…”


“Umm, it’s Christina."


“Yeah. Right. Whatever. You would NOT be my friend.”


Jonas – white rice, vanilla ice cream, flour tortilla Jonas – has decided that he is ready to take the bull by the horns, grab the wheel and drive this crazy train, and become the ringleader of this crazy circus. He wants to team with Leif and Christina to vote Alicia. But Tarzan “You not my friend, Cole-haana” wants to team with Alicia and vote Christina. So he decides to have another, “Just do what I say. Bad dog! BAD!” talk with Leif.




Both tribes gather for a double-whammy tribal council. Jeff tells everyone that Colton was medi-vac’d out. He was examined and found to have acute appendicitis and he had to be flown to a hospital to have immediate surgery.


Kat, in all her wisdom, asks, “What is that?”


“It’s your appendix. It’s right here,” Christina says poking her in the side.


Jeff tries to offer further explanation. “An appendix is…it’s just…oh, jeez…it’s just….well, just believe that it hurts, OK, you little simple-head,” Jeff says.


Leif and Kim both share that they’ve had their appendixes out and that it hurts. Like it *really* hurts. Like, when the appendix monster comes, you do NOT want to be hanging around with a big, fat, juicy appendix.


Alicia then addresses the other tribe, “Sabrina, Colton wanted me to thank you for the souvenir. He did not give anybody the immunity idol; he took it with him. So…” Of course, she says this with a laughing smirk, making it seem like she’s lying.  Or maybe she just *really* loves Tribal Councils. Who can tell.


Jeff, the epic pot-stirrer that he is, starts mixing up a whole spicy, tangy, caliente brew of, “Other tribe, do you believe them? Or is that just a lie they are telling you to make you BELIEVE that there is no longer an idol in play? A reverse double-duh on you, as it were. ” Oh, Jeff. Can I just hand you your millionth Emmy right now? Cause, you got my vote, brother!


Salani is like, “Wait! Yeah! This *could* be a trick! They could just be SAYING that Colton kept they idol, but then really hide the idol for them to use later! That’s exactly what WE would do!” Then Tarzan – who is confusing even in the least confusing of times, say, if he were just describing a glass of tap water poured into a clean, clear glass – throws a some more confounding-ness all up in Salani’s brain. “Well, to be clear, Alicia did what Colton ASKED her to do. Colton said, ‘Tell Sabrina thank you for the souvenir.’ And that’s what Alicia did.” Well, played, Moriarty. Well played.  


Jeff tells Kat that this wouldn’t be the first time in Survivor that someone has lied. Kat is like, “Yeah, whatever. Idol-shmidol. I’m kinda more worried about the appendix thing, and how do I not get mine hurt. I mean, appendixes is busting all over the place in this mug, and I wanna keep mine un-busted, you know, Jeff? Everyone has got theirs out! There’s some kinda appendix conspiracy goin’ on up in here! Wait. I'm a girl. Do I have an appendix?”



Jeff then hits them with another tribal whammy…”Drop your buffs…AGAIN! You’re merged. You are now one tribe; 12 people fighting for a million bucks. We’re back where we started; six men and six women. It is an individual game…RIGHT NOW!”


Damn! Flip-flop, mish-mash, one-beach, two-beach, red-beach, blue beach! They are back to the original beach, and all together once again!


To quote Tarzan (again)….. "The game is afoot!” and Karma is watching!

Categories: March 2012, TV, Reviews

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1 Comment

Reply the tim channel
3:42 AM on March 24, 2012 
Good stuff.