|Posted on May 10, 2012 at 11:40 AM|
Back at camp Kat says, “Did you hear what [Troyzan] told me when he knocked on my shoulder? He’s like, ‘Do it.’ And I was like, ‘What?” Then Alicia is like, Christina is dumb. Every time she opens her mouth, more dumb spills out. But when Sabrina opens her mouth at Tribal Council she looks smart. The kind of smart that can sway a jury. And that’s the kind of smart that’s dangerous to Alicia. Also, Alicia informs us that she’s not a misfit or sitting on the bottom because she is at the top controlling everything and she’s actually the most powerful player in this game! Tree Mail reveals that the reward is the Sprint Loved Ones challenge and we get to meet various family members. Looks like none of the ladies are married as they bring fathers, brothers and – in Kat’s case – awkwardly, deep, long, lingering hugs and private language squeak-squawks. We also see that Tarzan’s wife is pretty normal looking, not some 19-year old bimbo or plastic surgery nightmare. The challenge has the loved-one and the players tied together in a rope course, and Kat and her Kissing Kat Kousin manage to win and Kat picks Alicia and Kim to go with her because, well, she’s just looking forward to getting her drunk on with these gals. This creates a lot of drama back at camp where the sentiment is that Kat is totally selfish for not taking Christina and her just-had-a-kidney-transplant-only-has-a-few-years-to-live dad and Tarzan and his wife. Kim tries for some strategic damage control and tries to convince Chelsea to vote Sabrina instead. Then it’s time for immunity; a kind of endurance challenge where the players hold on to a hope that Probst slowly lowers towards the water, a reverse Inquisition rack challenge. Click…click…click…Probst turns the crank and one-by-one players drop until we’re left with Kim and Kat and…Kim wins immunity! Back at camp the Sabrina or Kat vote heats up. Alicia starts thinking that because Sabrina was the first to go in the challenge today – “Like, I could have beaten her!” – and that Kat played so hard – “She brought it! And that is someone I don’t want to go up against if that is how she is going to be playing these challenges! All trying hard and not quitting and stuff” – meaning that Sabrina shouldn’t go yet and that it should be Kat to go. We head to Tribal and it seems to be the bash on Kat show. There’s a lot of “Kat is only 22 and naïve and selfish” and Kat’s like, Hell yeah, I’m 22, I’m young, I’m hot, I wear pink hoodies, I make mistakes. Suck it. Kat then talks about loving blindside. Like how fun they are and exciting, and you know, touché or whatever. The votes come in and the twelfth person voted out and the 5th member of our jury is…Kat!
Now six players remain…
Back at camp, the girls have a nervous chuckle over how ironic it was that Kat was talking about loving blindsides and how livid she was and how now there is going to need to be some damage control. Since Kat is gone, I’m guessing that relates to how they lobby her on the jury since that damage has been done and can’t be undone.
Tarzan admits that if he were the girls, he would have voted himself out before Kat; that THAT would have been the smartest thing they could have done.
But now that they’ve done that, “is not exactly undeceptive myself and I have a subplot where I might be able to raise myself to the top three, but of course I wouldn’t reveal any of that right now, I’m just hoping to make it to four.”
So Tarzan goes to Kim and tells her that the best thing for Kim to do is to take Alicia and Christina to the end because no one will vote for Christina, and that if Tarzan goes on the jury, he could sway the jury to vote for Kim. Tarzan says that Alicia has a strong affinity for Kim for just liking her and wanting to be her friend and just doing whatever Kim syas. They agree that Kim’s biggest threat is Chelsea and that she should go home and that Kim’s best move is to take Alicia and Christina and Alicia to the final three.
Then Kim walks away and Alicia strolls up to Tarzan. And Alicia is all, "Tarzan, do you think I can win against….? I mean, I know I can beat Christina what with everyone hating her and her being so dumb and all, but can I win against Kim?" And now Tarzan tells Alicia that he can get on the jury and hype it up for them to vote for Alicia because they all feel betrayed by Kim.
Tarzan says he’s been playing this game in stages.
He actually seems totally happy to just make it to the final three, even if he doesn’t win. Of course, if he doesn’t win, there will be no new shocks for his Tarzan mobile, cause, you know, shocks is expensive and plastic surgery just doesn't pay like it used to.
Truth is, is Tarzan makes it to the final three, there’s probably a decent chance he could get a lot of the men’s votes… Or NONE of the votes. It probably would go down either way.
We come back from commercial and are treated to some classic Survivor footage of wildlife devouring each other.
Chelsea watches Kim and Alicia looking over the stark remnants of the rice bag, but, hey, who needs to eat rice on Survivor? I mean, like every day you’re going off on some gourmet food reward. In fact, I’d be all, “Rice? RICE?!?! You want me to fill up on rice? Screw that! Probst is gonna be rolling out some filets and lobster later, you think I want a belly all filled up and distended with rice?! Y’all are crazy!”
Chelsea says that right now she feels that the game is 3 on 3; Chelsea, Kim and Sabrina one one side and Tarzan, Christina and Alicia on the other. If they’d swap Sabrina for Christina then I could say it was Team Hot versus Team Not, but, well, she didn’t. Chelsea says she genuinely thinks that Alicia, Tarzan and Christina all firmly believe that they have Kim in their alliance, but she isn’t scared because she KNOWS sure as the sun will rise and set in Samoa that Kim is on HER side and that Kim has her back. We then cut to some ominous zither music or something as we watch the ants drag the scorpion into their lair.
Christina and Chelsea are on a walk to Tree Mail and Christina says, “Dude! I have been dreaming about food all not. And I’m just, like, why am I dreaming about food?!” Well, Christina, that’s probably because you’re one of the few people that hasn’t been able to partake in the Survivor Samoa Smorgasbord. So Chelsea tries to butter up to Christina and says that if today’s challenge happens to be a food challenge – duh! – and if she manages to pull a winner, then she thinks Christina needs to go. Christina is like, “Yeah. Thanks. Sweet. And I’ll take you too.”
Then Chelsea says that she thinks that Christina is Alicia’s puppet. What?! What has been happening on this island that has been edited out? When did Alicia go from being the head of Queen Colton’s ShutzStaffel in charge of berating and keeping Christina down to becoming her friend and puppet master? Maybe after 35 days Christina is experience Survivor Stockholm Syndrome and she is embracing her captors; identifying with them and even rooting for them. It’s hard to tell, but *something* is missing in the edit.
She wants to help Christina to see “the big scheme of things; the big picture.”
So she tells Christina that Alicia wants to take Christina and Tarzan, but that maybe at the end the guys might all vote for Tarzan because the guys are pissed at the girls. But if Christina would go with her and Kim…well, that would be pretty sweet. Oh, and PS, I know that you’re totally tight with Alicia, so maybe you don’t tell her about this conversation. Cool? I’m just talking out loud right now. Spitballin’ ideas. You know. Christian is like, “Yeah. Totally. I’ll just keep it quiet.”
Apparently “just keeping it quiet” to Christina means IMMEDIATELY going to Alicia and Tarzan and Kim.
Christina says, “So…I had an interesting conversation with Chelsea…No kidding, no joke.” She then proceeds to tell them everything that Chelsea told her. How she wants her to join Chelsea and Kim for the finals, etcetera, etcetera. This makes Kim a bit nervous; since she has been playing all sides of the fence – a fence hexagon if you will – she is worried that Chelsea has spilled the beans about her master plan. All it takes is for two people on the opposite side of your master plan to talk to each other and then no one trusts you anymore and you’re gone, daddy, gone…
Kim then tells Chelsea about this, like, “Come on, Chelsea! Loose lips sink ships!” This makes Chelsea want to kick Christina’s ass.
“Come on in, guys!”
Time for reward. Call this challenge Dizzy Spin, or Whirling Dervish or Topsy Turvy or, you know, whatever. You race to release a disc by spinning around it, then go to the next disc where you rinse and repeat and then on to a third disc. All the while getting mega dizzy. When you have all three discs, you put them into a decoder where you’ll try to line them up to reveal three numbers that will unlock a code that will raise your flag. The winner goes on a Survivor Booze Cruise on a yacht. Cocktails, shower, fresh clothes, three course meal at sunset, then sleep on the boat and return to camp in the morning.
Sabrina gets through round one first, followed by Kim. Sabrina gets through round 2 first followed by Chelsea. It’s actually pretty close, with everyone pretty much in it.
Probst shouts, “This will make you dizzy! Thirty-four days of very little food. Except for, you know, all the buffets of steak, hot dogs, and stuff we've been giving you! Everybody is light-headed but everybody wants this reward!”
Everyone gets to the final decoder table within a few seconds of each other and start whirring and spinning looking for the combo. They’ve got to get three numbers to line up to reveal the combination. Chelsea gets it first and goes to the wheel…and it doesn’t go. Alicia gets hers and goes up and…it doesn’t go. Chelsea tries again and…it doesn’t go. Kim and Christina finally stop solving and run up to the final station. And…CHELSEA WINS REWARD!
Chelsea gets to take someone and makes a big speech about how Kat upset a lot of people and caught a lot of grief by who she chose so she’s just gonna play it fair, you know, the way she always has in this whole game. So, since she told Christina that she was gonna take her earlier, playing it fair totally means taking her right? Wrong. She’s takes Sabrina because she hasn’t had much food and she’s as exhausted as Chelsea is. No worries. Probst tells her she gets to take another person. So she immediately chooses…Kim.
On the boat, the Survivor camera crew immediately sets up a remote satellite link with live streaming back to Probst's room at the Ritz becuase Chelsea immediately jumps into the shower…
And then once the ladies are all showered up, it’s time to throw on special yacht robes, drink special yacht champagne, and chillin’ yacht style and whatnot. These three ladies repeat the “We’re all in it till the end,” speech.
Chelsea says, “Ahh, I love champagne.” And Kim says, “You love that?” And Chelsea looks longingly and deeply and wantonly into Kim’s piercing, hypnotizing blue eyes and says, “I love you.”
She then tells Kim, “I feel like we’re on a honeymoon right now.” Now, I’m not saying anything happened. But, you know, these are the two hottest girls left in the game. One a boat. Drinking champagne. In robes and whatnot. With neither of them married. To a man. Just sayin'...
Back at camp Alicia and Christina are both livid. “Chelsea when asked who would you like to go on reward with, and she says 'I’m gonna take the person that I think is fair.' Why the hell would she take Kim? She’s gone on three rewards so far. How is that fair? And after she told you (Christina) that she was gonna take you?”
Alicia is clearly back in her “I’m your friend, Christina!” mode this week. But Alicia is actually making some strategy sense. She is talking about forcing Kim to make a decision; forcing her to choose which side of the alliance she’s on. If Alicia, Tarzan and Christina ALL stick together and vote Chelsea and don’t change their vote, then they will know exactly where Kim stands.
Tarzan then has a bit of strategy talk and tells Alicia and Christina that he should be in their final three and that if Kim comes back and says we shouldn’t vote Chelsea off, then that will be a dead giveaway and the ladies know where she stands. Tarzan then says that Kim and Chelsea are the girls’ biggest competition and that they are deceiving them and that they’re a team. (Duh!) He then tells then that, well, in his humble opinion, they have a better chance of going all the way if they make HIM a part of their final three. This helps “to unite another plot” for Tarzan that could get him to that all important, shock-buying number three position and that Kim, Chelsea and Sabrina taking off was actually a blessing in disguise for him.
Alicia is all, “So, Christina. Who would you rather be with at the final three? Kim or Tarzan?” And Christina says, “Well, to be perfectly honest, Tarzan is a total weirdo loser that I don’t think is any threat at all, and Kim is probably more likely to get votes.”
Back on the yacht, it is sunset dinner time. And Kim is saying, “Relax, girls! As long as their votes are split, it doesn’t matter. They aren’t even questioning me. Haven’t any of you ever seen The Usual Suspects? The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. And like that, poof. He's gone!”
Sabrina then describes Kim’s effect on the other girls. How she has this amazing ability to look at you, to look right through you and say, “Yeah, I’m with you. And it’s believable.” She can stare at those weak-minded fools with her blue Jedi eyes and then tell them any lies she wants and that they will all believe her because she has such a pure way about her… Kim is like, “Yeah. Even I don’t know when I’m lying anymore.”
Next morning Tarzan is laying out his plans for the day. First up is cooking up some coconut stew. Next up is preparing the fire. Then he’s gonna clean his clothes, wash his hair and prepare to be defeated by the girls in some kind of contest later on in the day. He’s got that Hoo-Rah! can do spirit, and you’ve got to plan your day for losing like that. “To be defeated by the feminine gender. Failure among men.”
Alica moseys over and tells Tarzan that she can help grate more coconut, but Tarzan wants to cook the coconut the way HE wants to. “I’m going to cook it this morning the way I want to. So don’t bother me about it.” However, cooking it “his way” isn’t good enough for Alicia. She wants to know how he is preparing it, the cooking temps and times, is he using enough cumin and sea salt, what is the puree technique, is he cutting with the grain. Properly preparing coconut stew is a HIGHLY complex process, and Alicia wants to be involved.
So, Tarzan’s secret recipe MAY or may not involve him straining or puree-ing the coconut through the buff that has been wrapped around his junk. Alicia is not really down with the junk-nut. Alicia says that Christina would be more than willing to let Tarzan use HER buff for the cleaning process. (Why Alicia volunteered Christina’s buff and not her own is possibly an indication that she IS Christina’s puppet master.) But Christina says, “Don’t touch my buff! I’m cleaning my buff right now!”
Kim then sits down and chats with Alicia and plays a total Jedi mind trick on her. She realizes that the only way that she can get Alicia to turn on Tarzan – “one of her minions” – is to convince her that Tarzan isn’t a minion at all but that he is actually a mastermind and is trying to make Alicia look like a fool. about how they are both getting Tarzaned.
Kim totally plays Alicia and convinces her that Tarzan is playing them all. That Tarzan is really planning on brining Christina and Sabrina to the end and that he doesn’t want to take them at all!
Alicia is all Hell to the no! “I almost got straight-up Tarzaned! I am the Queen of the social game. If Chelsea wins immunity, then we’re taking Tarzan out. And if Chelsea doesn’t win immunity, then Chelsea goes home. And I don’t feel bad about that choice either because home girl has been trying to run her game on me and no one runs their game on me. That’s the ghetto Puerto Rican in me coming out. I’m the most powerful player and I’m going to remain the most powerful player.” (Does “powerful” mean “delusional”? Just asking...)
“Come on in, guys! Once again immunity is back up for grabs!”
In today’s challenge you use a hook to grab to other hooks to then use all the hooks to grab bags of puzzle pieces; first one to assemble their entire fish skeleton puzzle wins. Oh, and because Jeff is feeling randy today, you’ll be doing this with one hand tied behind your back.
Kim starts off quickly and is the first to grab her puzzle pieces and get to the puzzle section first. Kim and Alicia complete the first section within seconds of each other and Alicia actually makes it to start on the second section first, but she can’t open the bag as quickly as Kim.
Tarzan actually shows a surprising amount of skill with the hooks – “That dexterity in the hands of a surgeon is paying off!” Probst probstulates. Kim completes the second section first and heads back for her third and final bag first. Alicia finishes and goes to get her third set of puzzle pieces. Tarzan heads back for his final bag. Kim is really struggling with her final set of hooks and Probst announces, “Kim had a huge lead but blew it.”
Alicia gets back with her third bag first and is the first to start on the final section. Sabrina makes it back second. Kim who was in the lead makes it back third.
It’s very close at the end as all players are in it assembling the final bits of their puzzle and pieces start dropping out and…ALICIA WINS IMMUNITY! By literally seconds over Kim, she manages to pull it out for her first individual immunity win, guaranteeing her a spot in the final five.
Alicia admits that she is probably the most surprised over her win, but that it’s “Awesome! Wearing that skull necklace.” If she were back at home with her home girls, she’d be all, “Look at me now!” Of course, she *probably* wouldn’t be wearing a skull necklace, but that’s a small detail.
Tarzan then says, “Bitch!” And Sabrina is all, “Umm, excuse me?! What did you call her?” And Tarzan says, “Bitch! How dare you beat me! I should have one that. It wasn’t even athletic!”
Alicia is trying to decide who to take out: Tarzan or Chelsea. She’s afraid that Tarzan might be trying to backstab her.
Mind Jedi Kim then explains to Sabrina how she convinced Alicia and Christina that Tarzan is playing them all and that they’re now all gung-ho to vote off Tarzan, the same way they were excited to take out Kat. Kim explains to Chelsea that she has tried so hard and done all she can to try and sway things so that Chelsea can stay around. Of course “all she can” might also involve giving Chelsea her hidden immunity idol to make sure that she’s safe, but, well, that’s not gonna happen.
Kim says that if it comes down to having to vote Chelsea off to go with Alicia and Christina, well, so be it. She’s making it all the way, and what happens on the yacht STAYS on the yacht.
Chelsea tells Sabrina that what really infuriates her is that people like THAT, people like Christina might last longer than she does in this game. Like if she was to go home tomorrow and Christina’s no-do-nothing ass was to still be around? Chapped…hide. Sabrina tells her not to dwell on that. “This game can quickly change. From one spectrum to the other. One minute things are ultra-violet, then the next…POW! Infra-frickin’-red! That’s how the spectrum works! Let’s just take it hour by hour. Not even day by day…”
Tarzan chats with Alicia and says, “I’m good at reading people. Like I could tell that when Chelsea was mad about me putting my poop pants on top of her clean clothes that it wasn’t poop she was made at. Heavens no! She was mad at the doctor that gave her that boob job! See? It all makes sense! So I’m sensing and getting the vibe that you don’t want to take me to the final three… Tell me the truth!”
“I’ve been aware that the girls needed me to help them to get rid of the boys. And I did that. I helped them knock out the five boys. And if I haven’t screwed it up by being irascible the last couple of days, we hope to God that all the girls don’t jump on me tonight but actually knock out Chelsea.”
Tarzan says that taking Kim to the end is a mistake and that Alicia needs to take Christina. And that Kim’s “angelic face and her blue eyes” can fool the jury and that Alicia’s best bet is to take Christina to the end, because if Kim wins that wouldn’t be fair to Alicia.
Tarzan then prepares for tribal council by doing what any normal guy living with five other women would do; he throws Kat’s old top on and then as a real hoot, he throws her old panties on his head. If I’ve learned anything from being married to Dana for 17 years, is that chicks find it absolutely HILARIOUS when you wear their dirty underwear on your head. Seriously, you should try it.
The jury comes in and when Kat walks out…well, it ain’t all gentle and funny like before. She is glaring at them with a high intensity hate beam.
Probst says, “So, Sabrina, here we are, down to the final handful. And here you are. Are you surprised to be here?”
“Nope. I put myself in the mix and I expected to be here.”
“Tarzan how about you? You surprised?”
“Only by the grace of God I’m still here. I’m here only because I helped the ladies get rid of the guys. My moment is probably just about over. But if someone wants to take me to the end, I’ll go, I’m not stupid, but it wouldn’t be a bad tactic because these five guys are gonna vote for a millionaire? I don’t think so.”
Wait… Holy crap! Did Tarzan just say that he was a millionaire?!? What’s with the poor no-money-for-shock talk?
Tarzan says, “I think our game is solid at the moment. Almost invariably, the right person goes each time. It’s human nature that when you’re voted out you’re not introspective enough to say, wait a minute… the person that is voted out isn’t in the alignment when the game is afoot.”
Probst then asks Tarzan if he often feels misunderstood in this game?
Yes. It’s like today with the microbes? They have no idea what I know about microbes. These idiot girls know nothing about microbes and I’m a frickin’ microbe genius. Probst is all, what the hell are you talking about? Microbes? Whose microbes. Tarzan says, “Well, I’m wearing this, but I also put her panties on my head. And the girls were all, ‘Oh no! Panties!’ But it was just for a joke. And I’m not afraid of those panties at all!”
Chelsea says that Tarzan is playing people more than they think and that this is not just an adventure for him. Tarzan says “Jeff, I’m not playing anybody, and that’s all I have to say about that.”
Time for the vote…. We see Chelsea vote for Tarzan “Please get the Hell off this island; you are driving me crazy!” First vote, Chelsea. Then four straight votes for Tarzan. And the 13th person voted out and the 6th member of our jury is Tarzan. “I want to thank you ladies and you gentleman for the adventure and for allowing me to see my wife.” Banker Mike knows a toxic deal when he sees one and he thanks Tarzan right back with a lengthy bird.
“Well, you’ve done it. All the men are gone. May the best woman win…”
Next episode is the Survivor Season Finale…