John Sciacca Writes...

The techno juggernaut which is 3D might have just met its first road block, which it probably will roll right over and then film with exagerrated depth and forced perspective. Samsung released news on its site today  with instructions *clearly* written by a native English speaker entitled "Viewing TV using the 3D function. (official Samsung link here)

Let's just say that not all the news out of 3D land is puppy dogs and rainbows. It turns out that beyond all the other hoopla that 3D is causing, you can also possibly enjoy:

* An epilectic seizure!  Or, even better, a stroke! What's that you say? You've never had a seizure and it doesn't run in your family? So now you think you know more about seizures than 3D, do ya? Samsung says, "Even those without a personal or family history of epilepsy or stroke may have an undiagnosed condition that can cause photosensitive epileptic seizures." So, keep your emptied-to-buy-a-3D-TV wallet handy to cram into the mouth of any guests or family members that start trying to bite their tongue off. (Note: If tongue biting is voluntary due to watching a crappy movie hyped for 3D, use wallet at own discretion.)

* Regular TV = perfectly safe and responsible babysitter. 3D TV = wants to reprogram your kids A Clockwork Orange style. Samsung recommends that children and teenagers "should be closely supervised when viewing these images."

* I'm not saying that 3D will try and take your fetus and put it to work on a factory line, or that 3D thinks that old people should be sent to Carousel Logan's Run style or that you better be DAMN sure you get a full 12 hours before even thinking about watching Avatar. I'm not saying it, but this what Samsung said, "Pregnant women, the elderly, sufferes of serious medical conditions, those who are sleep deprived...should avoid utilising the unit's 3D functionality."

* Think you'll just ward off 3D strokes and seizures with several tall, chilled glasses of your "magic juice"? Wrong! 3D preys on drunks wth the the same passion it has for babies, the old and infirm. "Those under the influence of alcohol should avoid utilising the unit's 3D functionality." How much is too much? When should you know when to say when? 3D knows! And it is DYING to tell you!

* More awesome things 3D can cause! "(1) altered vision; (2) lightheadedness; (3) dizziness; (4) involuntary movements such as eye or muscle twitching; (5) confusion; (6) nausea; (7) loss of awareness; (8) convulsions; (9) cramps; and/ or (10) disorientation." I frequently have #5, 7 and 10---maybe I've been living my entire life in 3D. And they said you couldn't upgrade! Or perhaps 3D will enhance my already awesomeness?

* Now when I tell my daughter not to sit too close to the TV I can add, "OR YOU'LL GO BLIND!"

* No matter how stylish you think your new 3D glasses are, don't ever, ever, NEVER wear them when not watching 3D TV. Doing so "may be physicall harmful to you and may weaken your eyesight." Not to mention it will make you look like an absolute tool. Oh, and please remember these are not sunglasses or protective goggles. However, if you're willing to risk blindness, they would probably like sweet at a rave.

* Also, it turns out that the 3D experience is so crammed with awesome, that afterwards people will be unwilling or unable to immediately return to their pathetic, 2D existences. They might try and, say, pitch themselves off a balcony! To help curb these natural post 3D suicidal tendencies, Samsung advises, "DO NOT place your TV television near open stairwells, cables, balconies, or other objects that can be tripped over, run into, knocked down, broken or fallen over."

When I leave for work, will 3D try and put the moves on my wife? If i go out of town, will 3D make my daughter call it "new dad"? Oh, 3D, when I said I hated you, I didn't know that you might try and kill me because of it....