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John Sciacca Writes...

Features, Reviews and a Blog by John Sciacca

Random Thoughts (Blog)

Random Thoughts (Blog)

Survivor: One World - A Bunch of Idiots

Posted on March 16, 2012 at 12:10 AM

Recap, aka, last week on Survivor…


Right at the beginning we learn the shockingly awesome bit of info that Leif sleeps in a crate! This is actually brilliant because it is dry, out of the elements, probably warm, keeps him from having to have any of Tarzan’s hair or bulge touch him in the night and likely keeps bugs out. So, rock on in your crazy, little box, Leif! Sushi chef, Jonas, offers the women a pretty sweetheart deal: “As someone born in Hawaii and a virtual frickin’ Poseidon, I am pretty much a master net fisherman. If you let me fish with your net, I will give you half of everything I catch. Half the reward, none of the work. You likey?” The women no likey. Free handouts are only for fire and shelter seeking women, not for work-for-fish programs. The women go on a roll, winning a tarp in a coconut-slingshot-shooting-connect-five reward challenge, making it their third win in a row. After some lame excuses – “We didn’t get enough time to practice!” – the men regroup and decimate the women in the immunity challenge. Jeff takes a classic Probst-moment to call Alicia out on her terrible puzzle solving skills – after Alicia previously said that she was a Mensa-level puzzle-challenge solver – causing her to …laugh. Back at the camp, the men are all “We are the Champions!” and Leif opens up to Bill and shares that he (Leif) was glad that they didn’t have to go along with Colton and his evil plans to vote Bill out at last tribal. Bill is all, “Uh, what? Dude? Bro? Me? Bill? This Bill? Funny Bill?” Bill decides to “squash the beef” between him and Colton. Colton, lying on his divan, proceeds to go on a huge rant about hating Bill and how poor Bill is and how he’s a loser struggling comic and that Colton wants his head on a platter. (He also manages to call Leif both a munchkin and an Oompa Loompa.) Then in the most shockingly unbelievable move ever, Colton actually CONVINCES ALL of the men to GIVE UP their immunity and go to Tribal Council INSTEAD of the women. Even Probst is like, “Huh? What? Wait! You aren’t the women! I know women – LOTS of women – and you *definitely* aren’t the women.” At tribal, Colton spews some more venom, trying to alienate poor people, struggling artists, red necks, people that drive pick-up trucks, people different than him, and pretty much 90% of the world. Bill responds not just like a man, but like a gentleman. I’d like to tell you that the men did the right thing; that they fought the fine fight and that the Sisters never got at Bill. But this ain’t no fairy tale. And it ain’t no Shawshank neither. And the men vote Bill out, leveling the tribes at 7 players a piece.


On to Day 12…


After the nuclear bombshell of the men deciding to give up their immunity and instead voting off one of their own, the girls question Troyzan who’s idea it was to drink the Jamestown Kool-Ade and he tells him it was the Reverend Jim Colton.


The girls all look totally baked or something. Eyes are heavy, reactions are slow, munchies are needed. The girls stub out the blunts and talk about how messed up the guys are and their nonsense and how they should really be down to 6 players.



“They are so dumb. They handed us a million dollars.” Oh, Alicia. It’s day 12, honey. Nobody has handed you anything. Yet. (Bwa-ha-ha!!!!!)


It’s time for the reward challenge, but before we get to Jeff even describing today’s festivities, he hits them with the bombshell. “But before we get to today’s challenge, you can drop your buffs because we are switching tribes!”


Colton looks like he just found out that his dad is a poor, struggling black comedian. Who drinks Natty Lights and drives a big dually-wheel pick-up. Who is a democrat. Who occasionally speaks in a random British or Valley Dude accent. His world has come crashing down and, well, it’s pretty beautiful and awesome. I want gather his tears and then drink them when I’ve had a bad day or maybe save them for when an IRS audit shows up in the mail.



Take an egg, smash the egg and the color inside will determine your new tribe; much how Coach and Ozzy were determined last year. Blue for Salani and Orange for Manono.  


Smash, gush, crack, blue, orange, blue. The new tribes almost couldn’t have been divided any more unfairly. Take the strongest, youngest, most beautiful-est people and put them on the Blue Man Group.


The new Salani is: Banker “Sweet asset reallocation! The time to refinance is…now!” Michael, Sabrina, Kat “Wee! Did something just happen? It’s not a puzzle is it? And did I fart?”, Jay, Kim, Chelsea "that's my name, chicken catchin' is my game!", and Troyzan.


Team Blah, I mean, Manono is Tarzan, Colton, Christina, Leif, Colton, Jonas and Monica Awesomepepper Wow. Really, just, wow. If you sat down and tried to handcraft the weakest,  worst theoretical Manono possible, this is pretty much EXACTLY the team you would pick. OK, Monica is pretty awesome and has no business on the loser-tribe; swap Monica for Kat and you’ve got the perfect storm of suck. Team Manono is right. Like “you gonna win ma no no mo challenges.” This pick had them getting Ma-bone-holed.


Jeff with a knowing smile a glinting wink and a reassuring prod, “Kim, did your tribe just get better or worse?”


“Uh, duh, Jeff! Look at us! We’re like a poster for the XXIIIrd Olympiad over here. I don’t think this could have gone ANY better for us!”


“They’ve got all the muscle,” Colton pipes in.


The winning tribe gets coffee, sugar, creamer and…PB and J sandwiches. What? Peanut Butter? With no stripping?! Jeff? Probst! Man! That’s your signature move! Remember? Jenna and Heidi? The Amazon? Some peanut butter and a plate of Oreos and clothes were flyin’!




Additionally, winners get to continue living on the beach with their original shelters, and losers have to head off to the Wastelands and start over.


Teams fill a large bucket with water from this overhead well/cistern-type thing that you then transfer over to another bucket. The trick being that your bucket has bunches of holes in it and the longer you take, the more water you lose. When the bucket has enough water weight in it, it will raise a team flag. First flag raised wins! Survivor’s GO!


Monica, super athletic Monica who looks like she could simuntaneously grate cheese and scrub clothes on the rocks of her abs, almost immediately starts off and trips, falling to the ground and spilling a bunch of water. But this is Monica Awesomepepper so she immediately bounces up, gets back on task and…IMMEDIATELY TRIPS AGAIN! I might have involuntarily yelled out at my TV. I’m not sure. I kind of lost it in the rage/shock fugue. Oh, Monica! Who tripped you? Was Leif scurrying around under your feet? Did someone wax the soles of your shoes? Did Michael string some of those bank-pens-on-a-chain in your way? Who can I blame here?


Jeff actually says Peanut Butter and Jelly at one point that sounds suspiciously exactly like “Peanut Butter Jelly Time!”



Manono looks like they are actually about to upset all of the Vegas odds makers and actually pull this off! They pour their water into the bucket just ahead of Salani and…it starts creeping down and…stops. Salani waltzes up, dumps in their bucket, raises their flag and…WINS REWARD!


Probst grabs his Costco, industrial-sized drum of lemon, salt and his special compound wound-rubbing-in formula and says, “Colton, give me a hard truth about the challenge and the division of the tribes right now.”


“Well, look at them and look at us. They’re like Greek Gods versus a bunch of peasants.” Boos and hisses from Colton’s tribe. “Umm, not peasants but village people.”



Colton, in what is becoming his typical camera diva confessional, says, “Not only did I get on a tribe filled with people I don’t want to be on with, but I got stuck on a tribe filled with people that suck! They’re Greek gods. They’re going to dominate us in challenges. They’re eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches RIGHT NOW and getting stronger.”  


It shows them trying to set up their new camp and Leif is dragging around a pole which Tarzan immediately trips over. It's a hot mess.


Suddenly Christina and Alicia are hanging out pally-pals and Colton swishes over and makes them pinky-promise that they won’t blindside him. Christina says, “No, you’re not gonna get blindsided! You’re just gonna have to trust!”


Colton then sashays over to Monica and repeats his “I love the girls, girl’s team, yay, ladies!” speech.


Monica says, “We’ve got the three girls and you. Are you set? You’re not with the guys, right? OK. We’ve got three girls and you. So now we’ve got the numbers. I don’t break my promise. Who’s your momma?” Oh, Monica, you could never have birthed such a hateful, spiteful little succubus.


Monica then has an aside where she calls Colton the “puppet master, master manipulator. And I feel like I’m the strongest of the three girls, so it would be me first [to go].”


Back on Mount Olympus, the Greek Gods are hunting food. Troyzan – reliving his high school football glory days --  catches a rooster. (Chelsea is like, “Yeah, whatever. You caught one. Let me know when you catch TWO!") Then they catching multiple crabs – huge like Red Lobster jumbo Alaskan king crabs; like the kinds of irradiated crabs that will one day crawl out of Tokyo harbor and challenge Godzilla for ruler ship of the city.



Jay starts mentalizing with Troyzan and Kim trying to figure out the numbers and alliances they can set-up. They hash it out over some gnawing rooster flesh, passing the carcass back-and-forth medieval style.


Colton starts in his Jedi mind tricks with Alicia. “I know that we had an alliance of the four of us, you know, us four girls, lady power, go XX chromosomes, but I think we need to vote Christina out first.”


Alicia may not be good at Grade 1 level puzzles, but her mama didn’t raise no dummies. Vote out one of her women? One of her ladies? One of las chicas? She says, “No. No, no, no, no. That’s unstable. This is why you guys are crazy. We need to stick with our numbers. We’re four women; me, Christina, Monica and you. Four women. It’s all about the V to the A to the… Well, you know. Hoes before bros. Don’t be crazy!”



Colton goes back to Jonas and swaps out the pinky promise for a fist-bump. “I’m with you, bro. Seriously. I’ve got to make them think I’m with them but I’m REALLY with you. Flip-flop.Criss-cross, double-cross, the daddy Mac will make ya, the Mac dad will make ya. Simple as pie. Get it? All that stuff I did earlier about saying how miserable I was and how much I hated all you horrible men and how I slept and ate over there and told Jeff at Tribal that I was really more a part of their tribe than the men’s tribe and all that crying and moping? Yeah. It was all a total long con! Crazy right! But, you can trust me! I’m with the men….now.”



Kim takes a look at the way the seashells are coming in on the tides and in those patterns she is able to read the omens and portents and decides that it’s idol hunting season. “Sabrina found one for the women’s tribe that she had to give to the men. Then something snapped for me. I’m going to go look for the idol!” With a peek here and a poke here and a prod there and then with one quick, “Lord please!” she instantly finds the idol. It is SO nice to know that with so much trouble and war and hunger and mayhem and awfulness going on in the world that the Lord can find a moment to step away and help out someone find an immunity idol in Survivor. You didn’t realize how powerful this show was did you? (Vomit! Reality stars, please stop acting like God has ANY interest in your quest for 15 minutes of fame and $1 Million. Please.)


Kim immediately shares the news with Chelsea. “I found the immunity idol, and it’s in my crotch right now.” (That is seriously her direct quote. I know. There’s just so many low-hanging jokes there that I’m gonna just let it go.)



Over in the Outlands, they have set up some kind of Wile E Coyote Acme chicken catching trap that is basically a box with a stick and a string that will fall down on anything that comes inside. Low and behold though, a chicken/rooster wanders into the cage and Monica pulls the string and…CATCHES A CHICKEN! (Suck it Troyzan and Chelsea! Anything you can do, Monica can do more Awesomepepper!) Celebrate, high five, spinning happy chicken dan… Wait! Dammit! The stupid thing escaped out the back. Yeah, probably should have checked that the box didn’t have any massive holes in it before you used it. Want to know what hasn’t escaped out the back. Tarzan's bulge.



Colton observes that “These people suck at Survivor. I mean let’s just be honest: they SUCK at Survivor. I don’t think we have a chance in hell at winning.”


Colton decides that Monica has way more power because people on the other tribe like her and that will be a problem for Colton at the merge. No one likes Christina, so if she’s still around at the merge, that’s no biggie. So, within the span of a few hours, Colton went from we need to vote Christina to we need to vote Monica. Now he has to convince Alicia of his new plan. He gets her alone in the water where he can be with the other sharks. Alicia doesn’t like the plan, but Colton promises her that he has her back and that this is really the best plan.


“I will vote your way but I swear to God, if you screw me…”


“You can come to Alabama and kill me.” Oh, Colton, you might have a line forming for that opportunity! But, seriously, the guy has some kind of Svengali power to get people under his spell.



It’s not time for the Immunity challenge is a modified water polo challenge. Jeff throws a ball into the middle of a pool area, swim out, grab the ball and work together to shoot the ball into your team’s basket. Defending team will “try to stop you…any…way…they…CAN!”  


Jay immediately pushes Colton to the ground, who crumples like the universe opened up below him and gravity suddenly become like a million times more powerful right where he was standing. Jay also blows over Jonas, throws the ball to Michael who just walks right up and plops it in. 1-0 Salani.


Round 2 is 2 women on 1 man, with a crazy David Goliath mis-match of Michael versus Leif. Yeah. That makes sense. Essentially a basketball challenge, so let’s pit the shortest guy out here against the tallest.



Michael gets the ball almost immediately, literally walks over Leif right up to the basket, shoots and…misses. Rebound. Miss. Rebound. Miss. Jeff says, “He’s so tall he can practically dunk it!” Except, he can’t. For the next 30 minutes he basically lives up to EVERY WHITE MAN CAN’T PLAY BALL STEREOTYPE IN THE HISTORY OF EVER and misses like 100 shots from 2 feet away. It’s painful to watch. Through statistical probability, Leif eventually grabs a re and gets the ball and throws up an amazing three-point, buzzer beating heartbreaker that circles the hoop and JUST rings out. Michael finally gets the ball back and after his extensive free throw practice, finally makes it. 2-0 Salani.


Women on women battle is next and this features some of the roughest action. Kat gets torn up by Christina. Sabrina throws up a one-handed half-courter that just misses and Monica grabs the ball cruises up, does a 360 Tomahawk Air Jordan and makes the goal. Did she then turn to Michael, bump her chest and say, “You’re in my house now, B!” or was that just my imagination? 2-1 Salani.


Colton actually begins this challenge running like there is a meeting of the young gay republican poor comedy hating southerners or something. He has seriously never moved this fast, and that counts the speed of his eye rolls. Colton grabs the ball and looks like he is being waterboarded but he is holding tight.



Sensing a moment, Probst shouts, “Colton will not give up the ball!” Oh, Jeff. I think Colton has been giving up “the ball” for quite a few years now… Anywho… Colton somehow breaks free and puts up a shot that lands like three miles short. I had a better chance of making the basket shooting from Myrtle Beach than Colton did. The men eventually rip the ball away, surround the hoop and toss it back and forth back and forth, over, under, around, to the side and after every other molecule of time and space has been touched by the ball except the net, the ball finally, mercifully goes in and...SALANI WINS IMMUNITY!


Colton goes around hitting up his tribe and drumming up support for his vote-out-Monica platform. ”I’ll be Colton’s bitch, I’ll be whatever you want me to be, just don’t vote me out.” Strong move, Jonas! Way to hold that spine strong and stick to what you believe!


“Tarzan in the challenge today was like watching a wounded hippo trying to walk over to the water,” Christina giving a loving recap of Tarzan’s performance.


Jonas and Christina start talking about voting off Tarzan. Monica is all for it. Leif is all for it.


Monica is now the head of the snake. And if last week taught us anything, it’s that Colton hates snakes. Especially their heads. They try and explain the plan to Tarzan. “It’s Monica.”


“Who?”


“Monica!”


“Which one is that?”


“The one in the PINK BIKINI!” (He could have said “the hot one” but we all know that Colton doesn’t see women that way.)


“Oh. Yeah. Monica. Right. Wait. Who again?”


“Just remember. Monica. Like Monica Lewinsky.”


“Tarzan is almost like having a grandfather with Alzheimer’s that you have to tell him something like 87 times. You have to keep repeating it, repeating it, repeating it, repeating it because he forgets it.” Tarzan. Who, I remind you, is not just a doctor but HE'S A SURGEON!


At tribal, Jeff asks Jonas about the new Manono tribe. “Well, the odds were not stacked in our favor, let’s just put it that way.”


The first part of tribal becomes the rah-rah Monica show. “If she can turn this sinking ship around, by all means take the wheel! We need Monica.” “I think she’s an awesome, amazing person. Monica’s a super mom!” “She’s one of the most hardest working women I’ve ever seen.” All the while, Colton with his skeezy, smug little self-assured smirk that makes you just want to slap the taste out of his mouth.


Jeff then turns to Tarzan who drops some Nietzsche on us. Or Freud. Or something.


 “My immediate response was to drop my assertiveness to a different lodestar which is one member of this group who will then lead the first few days of this tribe… “


Even Jeff is confounded. Hmmm. Interesting. And crazy. I love that. Tarzan is about to explain the riddle of the Sphinx, but Jeff stops him. “Oh, no. Please. Let me. I love puzzles.” Jeff asks him who the member is and Tarzan gets all Sherlock Holmes.


“I shan’t say, because the game is afoot.”


Jeff then turns to Leif. “Do you even have a clue what this guy is saying? He has quite a vocabulary.”


“He’s a definitely is very complex, very wisdom kind of guy. He definitely has a lot of big words that I can kind of comprehend but he also helps to better explanate.” That’s actually an exact quote.


Tarzan steps in. “What he said is a neologism.”


“Which is…what?” Even Probst is bum-puzzled here.


“Making up a word that sounds similar to a word you mean to say.”


“Awesome.” I wish I could capture the look of splendor and majesty in Probst right then, but I can’t. But, ladies and gentleman, I think that Probst smells some crazy, and he loves him some crazy! “It’s impressive your vocabulary. But the need to share it, the need to be heard can be disruptive.What is your world? What have you shared with your group so far.”


The tribe starts shouting out random facts. “I know you have 14 pets.” “And he’s a medic.” “I collect bugs.” “Has a wife named Terry.” “He has aphasia.”


“I have a nominal aphasia. It’s a specific aphasia for people’s names. I can’t remember a person’s name.”


 Oh my God! We finally know what was wrong with Phillip Sheppard! It wasn’t that he just couldn’t remember how to say Fran-chesskwa. Or Franqwueskwa. Or Franchupacabra. Or Francubiczirconia. Or the Former Republic of Franczhekistan. And his dry-mouth issue was clearly just a mis-diagnosis! It was nominal aphasia! Mystery solved!



Jeff then totally puts him on the spot “Can you name your tribe? Now. Like right now. Go!”


Tarzan starts with himself, managing to go 1 for 1 with aces, and then struggles through, totally locking up on Monica but finally getting it and eventually arriving Jonas – someone he has been in an alliance with and spent the past 12 24-hour days with! – and he can’t remember and Monica prompts him with, “starts with J…rhymes with own-us. Sounds like Jon…..assss”


They’re off to vote and Colton looks over at Tarzan and mouths, “Do you remember what to do?” From his look, it isn’t totally clear the Tarzan DOES know what to do.


Votes come in…Tarzan, Tarzan, Monica, Monica, Monica…and the fifth person voted out is…Monica. NOOOOOO!!!  Oh, Monica you were so awesome-pepper! Like a firey hot Bhut Jolokia pepper! I was totally pulling for you, girl! Who is going to wash the tribes clothes now that your washboard abs are gone? Who will keep the crazy in check? Who will insure that all women-kind don’t fall under the Colton Scheherazade spell? Monica gets the ultimate parting compliment from Jeff that “You just voted off the strongest person on your tribe.”


And now we’ve got a whole new world on One World…

 

Remembering that Tarzan (Greg) IS a Plastic Surgeon in real life, I imagined this dialog. Please to enjoy...


“Doctor?!? WTF?!? What have you done to me!”


“I gave you boobs. Big ones.”


“Why on God's green earth did you do that?!? WHYYYYY?!?”


“You came in here for surgery. Your chart says, 'B-O-O-B.' Boob. So, I gave you boobs. It's really pretty straight-forward.”


“My chart does NOT say 'Boob!' It says B-O-B! Bob! Because my name is Bob!"


"Hmm. That's unfortunate, Boob."


"And I’m a man! Why would I want boobs?!”


“Well, I thought that part was a bit strange too, Boob, but I don’t question what the chart says. People come in all the time for strange things. A woman's chart next door says 'A, Dick.' Weird right? What can you do?”


“And, for the love of God, why are they so frickin’ huge?! I'm a man not a stripper!"


“They’re F-cups. Your chart clearly said 'Boob, F.' So, I gave you what you wanted."


“My name is Bob Frank! Not boob! And the F if for Frank. My last name! FRANK! Not F-cup!”


“Boob, I think you're still just a little confused and hysterical following the surgery. It's perfectly normal. Once the swelling goes down, I'm sure you'll love your new body.”


“And what about the mole I came in here for?”


“I turned it into a boob.”

Categories: March 2012, TV, Reviews

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