Previously on Survivor…(Thanks for the souvenir)

Back at camp after blindsiding Monica Calientepepper, Evil Queen Colton and Alicia make certain that there is no misunderstanding with Christina on her place in the tribe. After calling her “a thieving cockroach” they say that no one likes her and that she’s the next to go. Then just so there’s no misunderstanding, Alicia won’t make room for Christina to sleep in the shelter “because you’re going to be gone in a few days anyhow so it doesn’t matter.” First challenge is a something you played in your backyard challenge – if, say, your dad was a crazy billionaire who built obstacle courses on one of his many islands. Bounce coconuts into a net, and smash 5 drum things. While it is pretty even, back-and-forth, Salani – aka the Beautiful People Tribe – eventually wins the reward of an ice cream challenge. We learn that A) Kim throws like a major leaguer, B) Colton throws like a sissy-boy, C) Tarzan has some weird full length leg brace he’s fashioned, D) Leif scampers up boxes on all fours crazy-fast like a chimpanzee and E) Probst does NOT like Alicia, berating her throughout the challenge: “Alicia, throws it like a little kid!” “Last time Alicia had NO luck. Once again…WAY short! My NEPHEW could throw it further than that!” “Alicia, think about what you’re doing and THROW THIS THING!” “Alicia….pathetic!” In another display of compassion, understanding and loving human nature, Colton tells Christina she has two options. “No. You have three options. You can enjoy your last two days, you can quit OR you can just jump into the fire, whichever is more convenient for you.” Alicia walks up and stands directly behind Christina while she is trying to rally Jonas and Leif to her side, causing Alicia to give the classic, slow, uber-condescending, total Christian Bale, “Good for YOU!” clap. And that’s when Survivor Karma rears its beautiful head. Colton says, “His brain hurts.” Shockingly, Christina is the only one that comforts him. And by “comfort” I don’t mean smothers his slowly to death with a pillow. Tarzan starts diagnosing Colton. “Sounds like dehydration. Could lead to tachycardia, headache, kidney failure, appendicitis, gall bladder, bowel obstruction; could be early appendicitis or more advanced appendicitis or it could be something totally benign like gas in the cecum.” Turns out Karma is a dish best served with infected appendix. (Or, a bacteriological infection. Tomato, tomahto....) Colton is pulled from the game, but keeps his hidden immunity idol as a souvenir. At Tribal Council, Probst tells them all that Colton has been medivac’d out and Kat is worried about all these appendixes bustin’ up in here. Then Probst drops a new bomb on both tribes: “Drop your buffs…AGAIN! You’re merged. You are now one tribe; 12 people fighting for a million bucks. We’re back where we started; six men and six women. It is an individual game…RIGHT NOW!” They are back to the original beach, and all together! To quote Tarzan, “The game is afoot!”

Night 17

The group returns to the new unified camp is rewarded with the traditional bread, cheese, grapes and champagne nighttime “we’ve merged!” platter. Troyzan says this is what he wanted. “This really seems like Survivor to me know. We’re merged, it’s me against 11 people. That’s what I’ve wanted. That’s what I’ve been waiting for, so bring it on!” They pass several champagne bottles around and there is a ton of chugging, except for Jonas who announces that he doesn’t drink. No sooner are the words out of Jonas’ mouth and Alicia is grabbing his bottle.

Alicia is bummed that Colton didn’t give her the idol, and now thinks that maybe she’ll go back to her home girls and continue a girl power run to really wipe the guys out. “The backstabbing is gonna begin!” (She also can’t help but lament the fact that Christina is still in the game, saying that it should have been her that went home tonight. She But Christina Cha has been given a new lease on life. She is “the Cat with 9 lives” after all!

To help her remember that her parents didn’t raise no quitters, Christian hangs up a little poster around camp. It not only brightens up the new place and is a happy reminder of home, it also lets her know that things can always get better. Tomorrow is a new day. Sure, one minute you’re a human cockroach and virtually guaranteed to be going home, but the next….? Well, you never know when a totally unexpected bout of Karma laced bacteria is going to hunker down and ferret out some evil. You just have to…

It’s unsure if the Survivor producers were kind enough to relocate Leif’s personal sleeping box/crate/chamber, or, what I like to call The Hotel Leif Carlton, back to the beach. We see A crate, but without Leif cuddled up in it, it’s impossible to know If it is THE crate. Hopefully they have fully prepared the Leif Carlton for the imminent Zagat review; fresh linens, new varietals in the atrium, tuned up the Baldwin in the lobby, and completed the overhaul by adding HDTVs to each of the spacious suites as well as full WiFi coverage. FREE WiFi; none of this $15 a day nonsense at the Leif Carlton!

It’s a new day, and they need to think of a new tribe name. Troyzan suggests the name of Tikiano, explaining “Tiki is God and ano is year.” God-year. Ohhh, kay. Oh, wait, Year of the God. That probably makes more sense. My Samoan is clearly rusty.

Jonas grabs some pans and skillets and throws out some Iron Chef/Benihana cooking skills explaining that he is serving “young coconut, lightly caramelized.” I’m no chef, so to me if just looks like Jonas has a bunch of chopped up coconut pieces in a frying pan.  “At the end, we’re going to hit it with a little sea water, so basically were going to try and manipulate the flavor of the coconut into the flavor of a potato chip.” Hey, you’re on an island sleeping outside, you want to burn some coconut in a pan with seawater and call it a potato chip, I say, "Rock On!"

Of course, nothing goes with coconut chips in the morning like coffee. Jay is getting the brew ready, scooping out the last of the sweet-sweet java and Tarzan rolls over, letting barista Jay know that “If I’m drinkin’ it, I only need a single scoop” with his cup. Not a problem, Tarzan! Because Jay has to lay down some coffee laws on him.

“We only serve free trade, locally sourced beans, here, fool! We are totally aggro about our grinds and brew temps and times. Starbucks? Please! More like Star-SUCKS! We only serve in recycled paper cups; drinking coffee out of Styrofoam is for heathens and homeless people. Oh, and this coffee is for those that won it.”

“I won it.”

Jay has to explain what “winning it” actually means. And, as we know, Coffee is for Closers only. And closers are  Winners. So...put...that...coffee...DOWN, TARZAN!

As in the old Salani tribe – Jay’s tribe -- won this comfort in a reward challenge. And the old Manono tribe – Tarzan’s tribe – lost. Winners get coffee, and loser's get...

Tarzan frets that the men are no longer sticking together so he pulls Banker Mike aside for some retirement financial planning. Tarzan thinks he should pour all of his money into high-risk, high-reward stocks, but Michael is more into a long steady rate of growth and return. Tarzan also asks if Michael wants to “be part of the team – me, J-Bird, Jonas, Leif, Troy.” Michael – a numbers guys – offers that that is 6 guys on 6 girls. Except Tarzan says they’ve “we have a girl that is ready to defect.” Alicia.

With the number advantage, the guys should stick together and pull in Alicia and use the numbers advantage to pick off the women. Mike says, “Yeah, sure. Totally. The guys. Stick together. With Alicia. Vote off the women. 401-k! Long-term divestiture!” Except Michael no like Tarzan. He thinks he cray-cray.

"Come on in guys!" Time for a reward challenge. “For today’s challenge only, you are going to be divided back into two tribes.” A vernacular slip that Jeff said “Tribes” and not “Teams”? Hmmm.

This challenge is called “Sea Turtles” and it’s a classic Survivor multi-stage, down-and-dirty, combo physical-mental challenge. Race through the sand, dig under a beam, belly-crawl under some obstacles, dig up your bag of puzzle pieces, retrieve all four bags of your tribe’s puzzle pieces and then assemble the puzzle. Winners get pizza and cold beer. Plus…a secret note!

Teams are randomly divided. Orange team is Jay, Alicia, Christina, Troyzan, Sabrina and Chelsea. Blue team is Leif, Kat, Michael, Kim, Jonas and Tarzan. Survivors ready…GO!

It’s Leif on Jay, or as Jeff says, “It’s the biggest, strongest guy against the littlest, smallest guy!”

I predicted that Leif would totally rock this challenge because of his size. Smaller body, means less digging, less stooping, lower center of gravity, Leif moves like a wild-man on all fours, etc. And Leif dives into the first part which is digging under this beam thing and…gets totally stuck! It looks like Leif is a turtle on his back, just kind of stuck under the beam and kicking and flailing. He's fallen and he can't get up! Where is LifeAlert when we need it?!

“Leif is stuck! He is like a turtle birthing out of the sand!” Jeff shouts. Jay, on the other hand, burrows under his obstacle like he spends his weekends at Coronado working out on the O-course with the SEALs, getting all wet-and-sandy, doing the Dirty Name, Weaver, Slide for Life and giving out Hoo-ahs because he flies through the course, finishing before Leif finally makes it out of the first obstacle giving Orange a huge lead.

Kat – who several eps back said how competitive and athletic she was – is jumping up and down shouting, “LET’SGO!LET’SGO!LET’SGO!” over and over. She is jacked on morning coffees and ready to close this thing! She starts off and actually powers through the first obstacle, charges through the belly crawl, grabs her puzzle piece and makes up a ton of time. Clearly her appendix is functioning on all cylinders and there is no head-brain segment to slow Kat down.

Also making up a ton of time in the other direction is Sabrina, who takes virtually just as long as Leif did to get through the course. She is digging for her puzzle bag like she is trying to tunnel through Shawshank with a dull spoon. And like she knows that there is just a giant sewer main inches away. Michael is the final member from Blue and he whips though the course, grabs his puzzle pieces and totally catches Sabrina and we arrive at the puzzle assembly NECK-AND-NECK!

It is Jonas and Tarzan for Blue and Christina and Troyzan for Orange. Now, if I learned anything about Asian women and puzzles from watching Cindy Chiang on the Amazing Race, it is that they often go hand in hand. For all I know, Christina spends her spare time with her family yelling at her while she assembles puzzles in the shape of sea turtles and tries to make up for her family’s disappointment that she was a Christina and not a Chris.

Jonas isn’t lying down, and is charging through the puzzle basically single-handedly as it appears that Tarzan almost seems to be taking out pieces and rearranging them as soon as Jonas gets them in. Jonas even says, “Feel free to start working on the puzzle.”

It’s very close, down to the final three pieces, Jeff shouting, “PIZZA AND BEER ON THE LINE! WHO WANTS IT?!” And Orange puts in the final piece and….ORANGE WINS REWARD! Troyzan reaffirms, “This is MY island!” Jeff tells them to open the Secret Note ONLY after they finish eating.

Beers are popped, parmesan is sprinkled and it is chow time. Sabrina says, “I know good pizza! I’ve been living in New York for 10 years and anything is better than this dry ass rice we’ve been eating out here and a chicken we catch every blue moon.”

After lunch Alicia whips out the “secret note” and reads it to the group. The big secret is that there is another hidden immunity idol back at camp  – to replace the one that Colton is probably still wearing around his neck and sharing at all of the Young Gay Republican meetings they hold in Alabama – and that only this group of people knows about it. To tell or not to tell? The group decides not to tell is the answer. “The less people that know about the idol, the more likely that one of us can find it,” chimes in Chelsea. Who happens to be the only person to know about Kim’s crotch-idol.

Back at camp Michael and Jonas are chatting strategy and Michael informs Jonas of the “supposed plan” already in place that Tarzan laid on him; the “men stick together and bring Alicia on board as the swing vote to vote off the women” plan.  (Except, does anyone think that Alicia is really so set to totally turn on all the ladies? I’m not sure that Tarzan actually ran his master plan past anyone. Maybe he just consulted with all the made-up voices in his head and they were like, “Wow, Tarzan! That’s brilliant! My name is Phil.” “Well thank you, Will! Glad you’re on board.” “Not, Will, Phil. I’m Phil.” “No, Will is already on board, Jill. We need to just worry about Phil.” “No, dammit, I’m Phil! Me! Phil!” “Bill, excellent! I knew I could count on you. We’ve got you and Will and Jill. I’m just worried that we’re losing Phil.” “You’re crazy. You know that, right?") 

But Jonas is like, “Huh? What? Plan? Tarzan?” Michael knows a toxic deal when he smells one and he says, “That’s weird that you don’t even know what the plan is. You know I’m gonna go and talk to him about this later, right?”

Jonas decides to go and palaver with Tarzan. “Yo, Tarzan? WTF? You tell the least reliable guy out here the plan?! Does that make sense to you?” I’m not sure what has made Michael the least reliable guy. I mean he did rat out Leif to Colton, but then again, Jonas had guzzled just as much of the Colton Kool-Aid as any of them, so I’m not really sure where Michael’s reliability came in to question.

Tarzan is like, “Yeah. That makes sense. Cause you need six guys. Michael is a guy. Five plus Michael equals six guys. Six is equal to six. Six plus one girl – Alicia – makes seven. Seven is more than 6. But it is definitely WAY more than five. That’s the plan! Yes, it makes perfect sense!”

Jonas tries to reason. “You tell him RIGHT before the vote, not two days before. If he is playing both sides, what’s he gonna do? He’s gonna tell the women who we’re voting for then we’re f---ed.” But if there is one thing about crazy it’s that you can’t reason with it.

Tarzan who has never been able to remember Jonas name up to this point, starts yelling at him and telling him that he’s a confused a—hole. The conversation quickly deteriorates to a lot of name calling and swearing and “don’t YOU interrupt ME!”

Tarzan complains that everyone gets confused about what he says and no one remembers anything he says. The fact that Tarzan – Mr. Nominal Aphasia himself -- is talking about people not remembering things is a delicious bit of irony. Tarzan announces he’s through with the Tribe. He’s dropping out. He has no more allegiance with the guys. I’m sure lady-kind everywhere is thrilled at the news.

“Because every time I tell you something you contradict me, you don’t remember. Jonas let’s just admit it, I don’t like you, don’t talk to me anymore, I’m out of it. I don’t like Jonas. I don’t like that guy anymore. When I say something, I mean it from my heart and I don’t go back on it! Can’t look at that face anymore.”

To be fair, this is the longest string of coherent, cogent thought that Tarzan has put forth that didn’t involve some word that required a trip to the Googles.

Armed with the clue that there is a second hidden idol in play, Troyzan decides to get up early and go idol hunting. He jams his hand into all of these random tree holes. Anytime people go jamming their hands into tree holes I think of that scene from Flash Gordon. (Come on, tell me someone else gets that reference! “Flash…aaaah! Savior of the universe!")

And the Survivor producers reward my lifelong “don’t go jamming your hand into foreign tree crotches and holes” by showing a close-up picture of what is probably the scariest crab mouth…EVER!

Of course, since they pretty much ONLY hide idols in tree holes or logs or obvious landmark-type places now, Troyzan finds the idol after what looks like about 2 minutes of looking.  As he rightly points out, “Early bird gets the idol, and gets the power. To find the hidden immunity idol is like winning the Gold Medal! This could be worth a million dollars!” you gotta wonder why everyone else was just lazing back at camp? This is a game, people! A game…for…ONE…MILLION…DOLLARS!

"Come on in, guys! So, is there a new tribe name?" Troyzan explains the Year of the God, Tikiano concept. Jeff takes the Immunity Necklace back from Christina because "tribal immunity is no more; you are now playing for individual immunity!" Jeff unveils this season’s coveted immunity necklace. I mean, sure skull heads and bones are nice, but I like a little sterling silver and maybe something classy like turquoise.

And then describes the challenge. This is a crazy double balance endurance challenge. Stand on a small log, balancing yourself while you are holding a disc and balancing a ball on it. To keep it interesting, after a bit of time a second ball will be added. Then, because Jeff is really Torquemada and Josef Mengele rolled into one bright blue shirt wearing, reality show host, they’ll then add a third ball. Drop a ball or fall off the log or have your disc touch your chest and you’re out!

The challenge is barely under way, when Tarzan immediately starts wobbling. Did he find a secret supply of hill hooch, or maybe that bottle of champagne that Jonas hid away or maybe he is fermenting his own island wine? Because he is wobbling all over the place and has balance skills that look like every DUI Test #FAIL you’ve ever seen and he quickly drops out.

The rest make it through round one and they all add a second ball, making it exponentially harder. “Everybody now balancing two balls on their disc…” Jeff continues to remind how difficult, how concentrate-y how impossibly impossible this challenge is. And works in some nice ball humor.

One of Christina’s balls slowly and steadily heads towards the edge of her disc and she is out.

“Michael with balls hanging on both sides of his disc…can’t hang in there and Michael is out of the challenge.”

Chelsea both balls drop and she is out of the challenge. Almost immediately after Kim drops a ball and is out.

“5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Grab your balls everybody! Everybody is safe!” Add a third ball, third and final round, with seven players.

Almost immediately, Alicia falls off her perch and is out.

Jay falls off the perch and we are now down to five.

“Troyzan’s balls haven’t moved in a long time!” (Oh, Jeff, your ball humor never gets old)

Jonas drops his balls and is out.

Sabrina drops a ball.

Leif drops a ball.

And we are down to two…Troyzan and…Kat? KAT?! Yes! It is! And she is just frickin’ immobile like she is carved out of marble.

Maybe there is a college drinking game that involves balancing balls or maybe she was a waitress used to carrying a lot of drinks on trays, or maybe just standing totally still, not braining for a while is her strong suit or something. Troyzan has balls rolling about and he is tapping his toes and moving and shifting his plate and looks like he is just gonna drop any second. But Kat is standing there totally locked-in and focused and looks like she could just stand there for hours an…and Kat falls off the perch! And…TROYZAN WINS IMMUNITY!

Chelsea and Jay sneak off and want to keep it strong with Salani. We’re 7 to 5, we just pick off their five, strongest to weakest. They decide to vote Jonas or Leif first. Chelsea hates voting Jonas first cause, “He’s a great cook, great positive attitude, fun to be around, but Jonas I’m thinking is gonna be the next to go.”

Alicia slinks over to sunbathing Kim. Kim is clearly thinking ahead. Getting Jonas out gets rid of a strong player. Gets rid of a guy. Keeps her ladies strong. Keeps her original Salani strong. Keeps Christina and Alicia around. Kim is a smart cookie and remember, she has a hidden idol in her crotch. (Though, we could assume that by now the idol has migrated to a less crotch-like location.)

Troyzan doesn’t like the “Vote Jonas” campaign and tells Jonas that his name is going around and that he’s on the block. “It makes no logical sense to me, strategically, to vote me out. I mean, I’m like the least threatening guy here,” Jonas opines. Except, Jonas, *someone* has to go home. Every week. That’s Survivor, baby.

So Jonas does what he needs to do, he goes into survival mode. And part of that is going and apologizing for his little tete-a-tete with Tarzan. This is huge in Tarzan’s book. Though he starts off and you’re not sure if he is being sarcastic or all “GOOD FOR YOU!” with his, “You’re apologizing? Really?” And he is so struck by the personality of it that it brings a tear to his eye. Well, “mild tears.” Tarzan then calls a summit of his brain trust – him, Jonas, Leif and Troyzan – and says “all four of us will vote for Kat. It’s the best we can do. That’s all we’ve got.”

We then arrive to "Poop-gate." Christina asks Tarzan if he has any clothing that needs to be boiled. “I just want to do my undies.”

Tarzan then immediately says, “This is not poop, OK. It’s dirt. I swear to God, this is not poop. It’s dirt.” Which, when someone says it's NOT poop, of course, you immediately know beyond any shadow of a doubt that it IS poop.

Sabrina ain’t having none of it. “If it’s dirt, why is it just concentrated in ONE area and not all around?”

Tarzan decides to hedge his bet a little. “And if it’s in boiling water, you don’t even have to worry. Even if it was poop pants. At least that’s what I think.”

Chelsea decides that after all of this strategy and alliance talk, all she wants to do is to clean her clothes. Just get some clean fresh clothes. So she goes off and hand washes her delicates in the ocean and scrubs them clean -- and totally poop-free -- with sand. This provides several opportunities for lengthy, gratuitous Chelsea butt-gazing. Like this…

I know. Shameless.

She then throws her freshly scrubbed clothes into the pot of boiling water. Her clothes aren’t in the water for 2 seconds when Tarzan throws his dirty o’le poop pants right on top of Chelsea’s clothes.

“It’s NOT poop! OK! It’s dirt. I swear! And, hypothetically, let’s just say it WAS poop. Which is isn’t. But, if it WAS poop, or diarrhea or hemorrhoidal remnants or other anal leakage – all of which it most definitely is NOT -- the water would kill the bacteria. I know all about microbes and poop organisms.”

Chelsea retrieves his clothes from the boiling pot with a stick and then bails on the fire to go puke. She then starts lobbying for Tarzan to go. He’s dead-weight, he’s gross, let’s keep lovable Jonas around for a few more days. Enjoy some more coconut chip down-home cooking. Jay isn’t so sure. When you change a plan you are asking for a butt biting. And not in a good way! This is a non-related pic of Chelsea, but I liked it.

And then it’s time for tribal. Jeff starts out with a typical “tell me about life around the new camp now that you’re merged” question. And just like Tarzan’s poopy drawers, this Tribal is ALL about airing some dirty laundry. Jonas gets right to it. “I had people telling me today I was a threat because I’m a provider and can cook. But, you don’t vote THAT GUY out first! Also, do you want to go to immunity challenges versus this guy?” He points to Mike. Pointing is never good at Tribal. Cause when you point one finger at me, there are three more pointing right back at you!

Jonas then puts it out there. “I’m proposing to those people that know what I’m talking about…I’m voting for Michael tonight.”

Jeff pipes up. “Wow, Mike! Hot seat there brother.”

Tarzan then announces that he disrespects what Jonas just did. “I disrespect it deeply. Giving up his principals, throwing Mike under the bus.”

Jonas then announces that despite Tarzan’s brilliant plan, they don’t have the votes to vote off Kat. Wow! Jonas! You keep secrets about as good as secret keeping master, Phillip Sheppard! Buddy! Zipple the lipple! Probst, meanwhile is soaking it all in. He lives for the controversy and just leaves Jonas dangling in the breeze, watching as all the vultures come to peck at the corpse.

Tarzan tells Kat that Jonas is lying, but he isn’t very convincing. Cause, you know. Jonas isn’t lying. “Jeff, I think we ought to vote Jonas out. If he’s worried about, we should just vote him out! Let’s give him what he wants! I’m gonna go up there and put his name down!”

It then becomes a Jonas and Tarzan popularity contest, and Jonas is getting all the votes. Chelsea steps up to defend Jonas and say that more people have issues with Tarzan. Sabrina, “Yep! Me too! No issues with Jonas here.”

“The thing is, Jeff, if you’re comparing likability, I admit…I’m not AS likable as Jonas. I’m awkward outside of my environment.”

“What is your environment?” Here I expected another “game is afoot” or “neolotism” or “gas in the cecum” bizarro-world answer. But I think that master interrogator Probst has caught Tarzan a bit off-guard with the sudden direct question.

“My environment is a hospital and operating room, and I do great in that environment. You know, you’re the captain of the ship in an operating room or somebody dies.”

“This is a very different world for you because there is NO captain of this ship.”

I came here wondering whether allegiances would be maintained. And I sense we’ve fallen apart. So that makes the whole thing totally mercurial at this point not knowing which way or how it’s gonna go. If they want to vote me off, that’s fine, but I’m voting for Jonas tonight because of what he did.”

Let’s find out how this is gonna shake-out… First vote: Jonas. Michael. Michael. Jonas. Jonas. Jonas. Jonas. That’s 5 votes Jonas, 2 votes Mike. Jonas. And the seventh person voted out and first person of our jury is Jonas.

Jonas then walks up to Tarzan and says, “Sorry, man. No hard feelings, brother.” Tarzan, ever the social, quick to forgive, strategical player who is thinking about getting Jonas’ jury vote later on says, “Hard feelings to you.”

Jeff hits us with you just voted off a person that almost everyone agrees was likable, was a provider and was loyal, meaning that no one is safe! Eleven remain...

And, just so I don't lose my Google #1 rated search result for "Suvivor Christina Cha nude" or "Survivor Christina Cha naked" here's this...