Previously on Survivor…(Just Annihilate Them aka the 7-Up episode)

Jay and Troyzan lament that Jonas kinda got screwed by the (un)luckiness of the merge, but now that they voted out a guy, the next vote is obvious: it has to be a girl. 100%. Fair is fair. We find out the reward challenge is a 7-Up sponsored event where you go down a giant slide, run out, grab some –OK, not just some but SEVEN – crates, bring them back assemble a puzzle and win a reward at a 7-Up Oasis. In the schoolyard pick to determine the two teams Tarzan is left out. It’s close, but in the end it’s Christina Cha-Cha’s puzzle skills that win out and the Yellow Team of Michael, Kim, Sabrina, Christina and Leif win the reward. Leif then goes off on a “Barbecue-barbecue-barbecue!” thing that kinda made me think of “Hercules Hercules Hercules!”  We get more of a sense that Kim is really playing the game when she tells Sabrina that she is thinking far ahead and that it “has to be all girls.” A massive storm blown into camp and it’s possible that Tarzan cuts off hunks of their shelter to toss into the fire. This riles up Chelsea. Tarzan confuses Chelsea’s anger at his cutting down and burning their shelter with misplaced anger at her plastic surgeon over a boob job that – let’s be honest – looks pretty well done. (Just sayin’.) Kim then plants a seed in Troyzan’s mind that Michael has been gunning for him. This immediately infuriates Troyzan and he decides that Michael needs to be the next to go. Immunity challenge is a race across a rope ladder bridge while maneuvering a bag full of puzzle pieces; first four to the end move on to the next round which is assembling a crazy-hard 60 piece evil Jenga/Tetris puzzle.  Jay dominates the physical part and qualifies easily along with Kim, Troyzan and Alicia. It appears like Kim or Alicia will easily win the puzzle challenge but they continue to get foiled on the final piece and Jay comes from nowhere to win immunity. Jay thinks that Christina needs to go; keeping both new Salani and the men strong. At Tribal, Jeff asks, “Who here is genuinely worried that it is them going home TONIGHT.” Nobody raises their hand. Everyone feels solid.  Jeff reminds them that SOMEONE IS going home tonight and he goes around. “Would it completely blow you away if you were blindsided tonight?” Everyone says, “Yes. Completely blown away.” Tarzan then informs Jeff that they are all just playing him. And then Kat hits us with the Kat-ism of the week: Rantic. “It’s like, BOOM! You just got Tarzan’d!” They inform Jeff that yes, he did, in fact, just get Tarzan’d. Votes are all over the map. Two for Christina. Two for Tarzan. And the rest for Mike, making him the second member of the jury along with Jonas. Ten remain, 4 men and 6 women…

Day 23…

Jay continues the” I died in my dream” theme (remember when Kat dreamed that Alicia was killing her at the mall?) by announcing, “I dreamed I got shot. I was about to get capped again and I woke up.”

Troyzan attempts the equivalent of summiting the Survivor Everest by having a rational strategy discussion with Tarzan. He explains that it just takes one more vote to “get rid of a Kim or a Chelsea or a Sabrina or a strong player. “Then it’s basically you, me, Christina, Jay and Leif. And it would be five against frickin’ four!” He tells Tarzan that there is another hidden immunity idol out there (he doesn’t mention that he happens to be in possession of said idol) and that if they can find they idol (which is somewhere in Troyzan’s possessions at this very second) then they can turn the game around.

Sounds reasonable.

So, of course, Tarzan isn’t convinced. He thinks that they just need to win all of the immunity challenges from here on out. Uh, yeah…that’s a *great* plan. For one person. I’m not sure that Tarzan realizes that that only gets one person wins individual immunity at this point, and that one person winning – even if it’s a man – won’t stop a woman’s dominance. But, meh, it’s Tarzan. What can you do? We should probably just be happy that he’s not doing any laundry or setting up a clinic for some impromptu beach surgery. I mean, with a machete and hollowed out coconut and some saline (salt water), Tarzan could fix up Chelsea’s boob job toot-sweet and reverse those years of pent up plastic surgeon hostility.

It’s time for Tree Mail, and the whole group heads in for a change.

The clue says not to open the clue until they are all back together, and since there is a giant scoreboard and all of the pieces for the challenge are stacked up at by the Tree Mail post, we can tell it’s gonna be another DIY reward challenge. "Yay," said no one watching at home. Except for Probst, who likely got into the Ritz Carlton Samoa mini-bar again, meaning that they will need to restock up on their Johnnie Blue and Macallan 25 inventory stat and that the Ritz massage team will be earning their pay today, by God!

Divide yourself into two teams, set up some pegs and then throw a rope bola and wrap it along a peg; the higher pegs have higher points, after everyone has thrown once, the team with the highest points win. Winning team takes a boat ride to a secluded island where they will have a barbecue fest.

They reach into a bag and draw rocks to divide teams into Red and Black. It’s an even number of people so Tarzan won’t have to be the fat-loser kid not picked again. Reach, reach, reach, open, open, open...

...and we have Troy, Jay, Tarzan, Kat and Alicia on Red and Kim, Chelsea, Christina, Sabrina and Leif on Black.

Troyzan announces, “Troyzan Probst is hosting the challenge. So here we are folks. We have a great team (indicating his team) and we have an OK team (indicating Black.) Jay wants this barbecue more than he can taste it. Big Jay…”

Jay throws and misses.

“Kim is up now…” Kim throws and misses.

“Kat…is…up!” Kat throws and gets two!

“Leif, let’s see what you’ve got.” Leif throws and misses.

“Troyzan is up," he says of himself.

“I’ll hold your stick, Troyzan,” Alicia announces.

“Hold my stick.” (Somewhere Probst smiled. It wasn’t a ball joke. And balls are involved. But still, close enough.)

Kat then pipes up. “Take your time. Take your time like I did.” Which, on the one hand, it’s Kat so you’re kind of predisposed to be a little irritated by. But, then again, it’s Kat and she’s the only one that has managed to throw up a score so far so maybe taking your time and blocking out all negative appendix mind energy is the key to this thing. Anyhow, Troyzan throws and…misses.

Chelsea throws, hits the four and bounces off.

“Tarzan, maybe the best player here!” Troyzan announces. Mocking? Sarcasm-ing? Encouraging? Doesn’t matter.

Tarzan throws and…improbably nails a four!

“Christina. Let’s see what she’s made of.” Christina throws and wraps a one.

Alicia throws and misses the entire post altogether. Fortunately, Troyzan knows how Probst would handle this. “That’s a ZERO for Alicia!”

“Sabrina with the last throw…” Sabrina needs to score a max five pointer for a tie. Drama…drama…drama…throws and….barely hits the one and misses! And RED WINS REWARD 6 to 1.

It’s a boat ride out to the barbecue and when Kat find out there is rum she’s down. Break out the coconuts, break out the rum and enjoy some Survivor-coladas.

They look like they’re getting hammered on rum, and everyone is lying around on the beach drinking it up. Troyzan suggests they try and get the girls drunk on rum. Too late, Troyzan. Alicia is WAY ahead of you buddy…

Except for Tarzan who is just standing by the cooking area staring at the fish. He’s very excited for protein, which he hasn’t eaten for 23 days. “Some beautiful crabs. Color-wise and architecturally.”

Kat steps up again and asks Jay what he’s thinking, what’s on his mind. Jay opens up – in rumo veritas. He was mad; he didn’t want to vote off Michael, he wanted to get rid of Christina or Alicia. He feels like his alliance has flipped on him. Jay reminds Kat that their alliance (Salani) needs to stick together to get rid of Manono. “You know, Alicia, Christina, Tarzan AND Leif all have to go before we do. We need to stick together. I mean, that’s what our alliance said they was gonna do, let’s do it, let’s send Manono home.  Let’s stick with the plan!”

Jay is suspicious that the girls are playing tricks on them and says, “There’s definitely going to be some blindsides coming up. I just hope that it’s not me…” (Bum, bum, BUM!)

Kim and Chelsea then talk and ponder if maybe the men now know that they made the wrong decision. She wants everyone to see her as calm and soft-spoken and maybe a little forgettable and someone who is just floating along and not the Grand puppet master that is actually running Survivor. But that when it comes final three time, those suckers, I mean those other wonderful players now sitting on the jury, will know who was really making the decisions and calling all the shots!

Kim takes Alicia aside for a little Team Building, rah-rah, we’re so solid talk of, “We’re gonna tell the guys that it’s you, but it’s not you, it’s really Jay or Troy, so don’t panic. Be cool. Be calm. Stay frosty. Ice ice baby.”

Alicia and Kat wander over and Kim lets them all know that it’s smartest for the girls to get rid of Jay and Troyzan and then Tarzan and Leif. “But we need them to believe with all of their heart that they are not going home because if they don’t they will find that idol or they’ll pull some crap.”

Chelsea isn’t sure if she wants to know about it; she’s got a lot going through her head. She then lies back in repose, contemplating, giving the crack Survivor DP a beauty shot too tempting to pass up. And then giving us a chance to all say, “WTF, Tarzan?! This is wrong?" And only Tarzan thinks its a good idea to get rid of "them" if you know what I'm sayin'...

Kim talks Chelsea back from her moral kiosk and says that Jay or Troy could both go on an immunity run till the end, so whoever doesn’t win immunity is who needs to go. Kat goes over and brings Sabrina up to speed and it’s all about Girl Power.

Sabrina “Going to the end requires some big girl decisions. You’ve got to put on your big girl panties and make a big girl decision. You knew it was gonna have to come to this.”

Jay and Troyzan have their own private meeting, and decide that the girls need to show a proof of life, proving that they are still with the guys by getting rid of some of the girls and showing their still on board. As far as Jay is concerned, it’s an easy call.

“As far as I’m concerned Alicia needs to go before Christina. Alicia is more kinda two-sided, working with the guys and the girls so to me she’s more of a threat. And she’s real tight with Kat, I don’t trust that.”

Jay admits that he’s just letting Troyzan think they’re tight and in an alliance, but he doesn’t want to go to the final three with him. He’s dangerous. Everybody likes Troyzan and he can tell a story better than anybody. He’s really tight with Chelsea and Kim, that’s who he wants to be in the final three with.

Jay then heads over and chats with Kat. He reminds her that Jonas and Mike were the last two to go, and the plan WAS to get rid of Manono, so that means that the next two should be Alicia and Christina. But Alicia first because she’s a threat. We need you to move forward. Are you down with that?

Kat replies, “What am I gonna say, no?”

She then says she appreciates Jay and likes him a lot, but she can’t think with her heart. Or her brain. And definitely not with her appendix; you can never trust that hateful thing! “We can’t think with those things, we have to think with our mind. Strategically that’s how people win this game.”

Jay then gathers the girls and says can we make that set then? Alicia and then Christina? They all say yeah-yeah sure, but Chelsea is feeling that guilty sting of pre-betrayal. She hates to be deceitful. But, there were four other girls there lying, so she only has to burn for ¼ of the lie, so…

Troy admits that it would be easy for the SIX GIRLS to side together and vote off the FOUR GUYS. And the obvious choice of the first guys to go would be him or Jay. His Spidey sense is tingling and he feels like he has to give 100% in order to win this challenge.

“Come on in guys!” Probst is back. And, holy crap! It’s no wonder why he was gone! He’s wearing a GREEN SHIRT! Clearly the Ritz screwed up his laundry and Probst was so furious he needed to take a personal day. A sea salt scrub, a Peruvian java cleanse and a deep tissue massage with “full release.”

Today’s challenge is a classic Survivor endurance “last man standing” challenge. Stand on a small perch with your arm over your head. A rope is tied to your arm that is attached to a bucket overhead. Drop your arm, you drop your bucket. Then Evil Probst – still pissed about the shirt thing – says, “To make it more interesting, “I’m going to try to tempt you with food items. If you take the temptation you lose your shot at immunity.”

“This challenge is offi…”

And Tarzan is out. Seriously, the words had not cleared Probst’s mouth – the challenge was not even officially STARTED – and Tarzan was already out. “Tarzan, was it the feet?”

“Failure.”

“Failure. Just general failure. We are down to nine people in this challenge. I have your first item…”

AND Christina is out. “Dammit!” Seriously, dammit is right, Christina. (She Tweeted that she has vertigo and balance isn’t her thing. She’s still a puzzle Jedi though.) Thirty seconds into the challenge and two people are out. A challenge where you JUST HAVE TO STAND THERE! And Christina is out before the offer was even made so she’s not eligible to get the temptation. “Take a spot on the bench and you can see what you missed out on.”

Jeff offers a plate of two cookies and a glass milk. “I want it!” Sabrina says and she steps down immediately before anyone else can share on the goodies.

Before the next item is even pulled Alicia says she doesn’t even care what it is, she wants it and is stepping down for it. She can smell booze like Huck Finn’s dad, and her liver-sense is burbling! Jay is not down with it and shouts, “You take that food and I’m voting you out!”

Jeff pulls out another plate. “Cookies were good, but cupcakes are always better.” I have to disagree with Jeff in principal here and stand-up for the Local Cookie 151. A warm, gooey, packed with chocolate chips and maybe some pecans cookie right from the oven is better than many cupcakes in my opinion.

“I’ll step down!” so sayeth Kat. “I’m stepping down!” respondeth Kim and they both step down and split four cupcakes and a glass of milk.

Alicia then says she’ll step down on the next food one and LET Chelsea win if she wants to. But, you know, hang in there Chelsea and don’t blow it for the girls!

Jeff says he’s gonna amp up the sweet factor for the next…. “I WANT IT!” Alicia says having no idea what it is. I was seriously hoping that it was a bowl of fish heads and cow intestines and maybe a hog anus or two. But she steps down for a bowl of chocolate and M&M’s.

We cut to 45 minutes later and Troyzan, Chelsea, Leif and Jay are still holding strong. Troyzan starts to wobble, loses his balance and he falls off. There is a bit of “Yes! Yes!” cheering from the girls on the sideline. It’s a young voice, so, you know, probably a girl from Troyzan’s supposed alliance.

Next bribe. Probst pulls out a plate of chicken wings and a beer and Jay immediately steps down like Jeff just offered him a baggie of Jay’s special blend of “organic eye medicine” (wink-wink). It’s down to Leif and Chelsea.

Chelsea says, “If you step down, Leif, I’ll tell you this, it makes you less of a threat.” Leif announces he can stay up there all day long.

Jeff brings out a basket of THREE hamburgers, a bowl of chips and a beer.

Chelsea doesn’t even want to look at it and be tempted. Devil’s Probst says, “Leif, she’s telling you. Step down from the challenge. Take a burger. And make yourself less of a threat. Sounds like a great deal….if you buy it. Mwa-ha-haaaa!”

Leif confirms with Chelsea that if he steps down he won’t be as much of a threat. Chelsea says, yeah, sure, look in my eyes. It’s all true. Note she didn’t ever say he wouldn’t be voted off or anything, just that he’d be viewed as less of a threat. So, yeah, a pretty easy thing to say.

So Leif says, “I’m doing this for you,” and he steps down and Oompa Loompa doompity-do skips over to get his plate of burgers…AND CHELSEA WINS IMMUNITY. (I wondered if Leif could even fit three burgers into his Leif-sized tummy, but Jennifer Willard suggested via Twitter that he take them back as a late night room service treat in the Hotel Leif Carlton.)

Kim once again is in the manipulative driver seat. “Today’s immunity challenge could not have gone any better for me. It was awesome. I got to eat cupcakes and have milk and not put myself out there as a huge threat which I was starting to worry about.”

Chelsea has come to terms with her conscience issues. She’d love to play the game with Troy and Jay a little further, but realizes now that that would be an idiot move. She hates to turn this quick on them but…

Troyzan is seen as the bigger threat because he didn’t give up in the challenge and because he was pissed when he got out. Whereas Jay was quick to give up for food so he feels safer. Troy didn’t give up for food so he’s the smartest person to take out.

Kim-sparov decides to split the votes; they’ll send 5 for Troyzan and 3 for Jay in case one of them decides to pull an idol. It’s risky, but with an idol out there, it’s the Grand Master move to make.

Kim then straight up lies to both Jay and Troyzan. Assuring them they’re both safe and that there’s no craziness going on and that they’re totally safe and that it’s Alicia to go tonight.

But with Troy she’s a bit over the top. “You’re safe, you’re safe, you’re safe. She only had to say it once.” The fact that she’s so emphatic about it makes him feel sketchy.

Troyzan digs up his idol and reveals to Jay that he has the idol and that he’s gonna play it. “If they’re playing me, I want them to go home." He wants Jay to make a big move and blindside Kim. He actually lays it all out to Jay *exactly* what the girls have discussed but Jay isn’t hearing it. He is deadest on voting Alicia. (Survivor pro tip: If you ever make it onto the show, try and have a little flexibility built into your game. Roll with the flow, be prepared to ebb with the changing tide. If you are set in stone, you might find that you’re wearing concrete shoes!) Troyzan says, “If I get Tarzan to vote for Kim. If I get Alicia to vote for Kim…”

Jay says, “I think you’re safe bro…I think you’re safe.”

Jay then goes over and…TELLS KIM THAT TROYZAN IS GOING TO PLAY THE IDOL!

He also tells Kim that Troyzan is not only planning on playing the idol – which we see him showing to Christina – but that he is trying to get people to vote for Kim.

Jeff announces that at that last two tribal council it was two men that got sent home. And we cut to a shot of Tarzan.

And…what…in…the…hell…is…he…wearing? A blouse? A sarong top? A modified body stocking? With his man boobs and nipple-pokes and moustache and hair it’s all so off-putting. But wait! We HAVE seen that shirt before! This is as close as we’re getting to Monica back on Survivor before the reunion show I’m afraid.

“The men lost their will several days ago and the allegiance was broken and now its women two up and the girls are a lot smarter than the boys.”

Same question as last week from Probst. “Who here tonight things they might be in trouble?” Kim, Jay and Troyzan raise their hands. Again, classic puppet master move from Kim.

“Oh, no, Jeff. I’m not running this. I’m picking up a weird, funky vibe and it could be me tonight. I started feeling a lot less safe after the immunity challenge today.”

Troyzan things he picked up at the immunity challenge. You learn who is siding with who. Who decides to step out and get food. Who applauds who when people go out. When I went out, everyone applauded, even on the tribe that I thought would be rooting for me, might be rooting against me so that meant something.

Jeff looking for some bit of crazy before the episode ends asks Tarzan what he anticipates happening after tonight’s vote.

Tarzan says, “I think the alliance that I know of is gonna strengthen and the faith will be restored and there will be a powerhouse that will take them to the end if people just do what they said they were going to before we got here. And other than that, the game is afoot.” I’m getting sick of that little tagline, by the by…

With that, it’s time to vote. From the votes they show – Jay for Alicia, Troyzan for Kim, Kat for Troy – you can tell they’re all over the map. Troyzan steps up and plays his immunity idol. “Jeff, some of the dumbest moves in Survivor history have been made when people go out and has this in their pocket and that’s not gonna be me. I’m not gonna join that group.”

First vote…Troy. Doesn’t count. Troy. Doesn’t count. Kim. Jay. Alicia. Jay. Alicia. Jay. And the ninth person voted out and third member of the jury is Jay.

You blew it. YOU…BLEEEEEEW….IT!!! If you wouldn’t have been so stubbornly stuck with Alicia as the ONLY person you could vote for, you could have made a real game-changing power play! You and Troy could have swept out Kim and made a massive re-balancing move! Instead now you’re on the jury and the men are down 6 to 3 and might as well start pulling out the violins on the deck of the Titanic...