There is a relatively new Web phenomenon on the scene known as Chat Roulette. If you’ve never heard of it – Hi, mom! – it is basically a service that randomly puts your computer in touch with other computers from around the world for a little live, video chatting. But, if you are expecting to use Chat Roulette as a means of finding like minded folk for a high-brow, intellectual sharing of ideas and philosophic discussion on the meaning of life, well, don’t.

Turns out that a random spin o’ the Chat wheel is far more likely to either fill your screen with nothing or the -- far scarier -- giant penis. And that’s if you’re lucky. If you’re not lucky, well, you’re apt to end up Brando/Kurtz-style, “The horror....the horror....”

Now, I’ve never tried Chat Roulette. Frankly, I try and keep my giant, random penis encounters to an absolute, bare minimum, and if I DID want to increase my odds, then I’ll go hang out at a truck stop bathroom or rent The Crying Game. (I saw this film in the theater when it first came out, when the BIG secret was still a secret. And let me tell you, you want to kill any kind of date movie vibe, you throw THAT up on the giant screen. "Uh, I think I want to go home now."  "Totally understand.")

But Chat has one feature that I would *love* to incorporate into my everyday life. When you tire of a conversation, which most people seem to do in about 1-2 seconds (if you have self-esteem or acceptance issues – with or without Peniphobia -- stay as far away from Chat as possible), you press the F9 button to spin the wheel and move on  to the next encounter.

I want an F9 key. Bad! I picture it looking like a bright red button that would trigger a bomb. I want to carry it around, holding it in my hand at all times so that everyone is on notice that they better be interesting and relevant and quick to the point, or brother, I’m movin’ on. Here are a few examples of instances where I’d button-up.

“I’ve been checking prices on the Intern..” F9!

“I bought my TV at Costco/Wal-mart…” F9!

"That's not as good as my Bose." Punch with the F9 button.

“Do you sell Vizio?” F to the Nizzine!

"Well, all I know is that on the XXX chat room forum, THEY said..." auF9- Wiedersehen!

"I don't need good speakers. My ears cain't hear the difference."

"Let me show you something right over here...." F9!

“Wow! That is *really* expensive. Why would anybody buy th…” F nighty-nite!

“I need a little bit of help...” (Thumb hovering over button, eyes narrowing...) “I bought my system on-line and can you tell me how I…” PRESS!

“Hi. I just wanted to stop by and say I love your articles in Sound + Vision.” Button down, giant hug.

"Say, what's that button do?"
"Here. I'll show you..."

“Listen, I'm really important and getting my job would *really* be good for your company, so I’m expecting a significant discount.”  F9 AND Giant Penis!