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John Sciacca Writes...

Features, Reviews and a Blog by John Sciacca

Random Thoughts (Blog)

Random Thoughts (Blog)

Greatest...Website...EVER!

Posted on May 3, 2010 at 6:18 PM

This is my month to be off on Mondays, which means a day of errand running. After a lunch at Chick-Fil-A (it’s pronounced “filet” for all you folks west o’ here) we headed over to Wal-Mart for a little financin’.

 

A few weeks ago, I received a coupon in the mail from First Federal bank with an offer just too good to pass up. If I open a checking account with a minimum $50 balance, they will straight up give me $10. Then, after 90 days, they’ll give me another $100. This is basically my chance to go back in time and buy Google when it first came out. (Though, I’m only able to buy a single share, but still.) If you think that giving me $110 for a $50 investment is the reason why the banking system collapsed, I’ll not argue with you. Though I will still expect my $110. I’m all about the Hamiltons, baby.

 

So one of the things that makes our Super Wal-Mart so killer-awesome is that it has a bank INSIDE of it. A bank that is open 7 days a week. That’s right. If I need to complain to a bank teller on Sunday, I now can. (Scratch that dream off of the list. Our Mart is also rockin’ a nail salon, a hair cutting place, a photo studio, an optometrist, a tax center, a sandwich shop and a few other things I can’t even recall.) So while I’m going through the process of opening the new account, I’m chatting up the girl that is helping me. I tell her that I bet it would be interesting to just sit at her desk with a notepad and just jot down random conversations that you hear happening across the aisle in Wal-Mart. She heartily agrees and then tells me that I wouldn’t believe some of the things she sees and hears. (No joke. While we’re talking, someone actually goes to the teller counter and says, “Is this here a bank?”) She says after 10 hours in a Wal-Mart you basically can’t leave fast enough and that even though she knows she is paying more, she chooses to do her shopping elsewhere.

 

That’s when she asks me if I’ve ever heard of peopleofwalmart.com. I haven’t. Now I have, and, oh... I can’t... I mean... It’s just so... I mean... Have you ever... Words alone...not enough... The horror. The beautiful, awful horror.

 

The Web is full of many strange and wonderful things, and this might be the strangest and most wonderful of all. If you call looking at circus freaks doing their grocery shopping wonderful. Which I do. At the risk of losing every reader, I feel that I must share this ethnic treasure with you. If you’ve ever wondered what lard-filled slice of Americana shops at Wal-Marts across the country, here is your Golden Ticket to Wonka-land. Drink deep from the chocolate river, ride the boat, and eat an everlasting Gobstopper.

 

I’d say that the images are NSFW, but, seriously, they’re not safe for ANYWHERE. Every image is a worse car/train/plane wreck than the last, but I dare you to stop yourself from clicking “Next.” And as someone who visits Wal-Mart on the average of at least two shameful times a week, I must say that it’s true, it’s all true... And to Gary, my Parisian reader, living in the world’s cradle of fashion and style. Oh, gosh, seriously, what can I say? Gary, some Americans are fat and some Americans are lazy, and some Americans are fat AND lazy. And all of THOSE Americans like to hang at the Mart.

 

Enjoy in moderation...Oh who am I kidding? Drink from the firehose!

Categories: May 2010

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8 Comments

Reply Gary Mardell
6:11 AM on May 4, 2010 
Now I may be a son of Europe but I am not unfamiliar with your side of the pond and there are not many times that I am lost for words, but this one gets close. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for the glorious diversity that is the human race but this one is pushing that limit. I'll admit, I checked out every last photo, my jaw dropping further as each presumed sartorial zenith was subsequently surpassed. I'm left with one over-riding thought, burned into my brain for the day..... even in the Land of the Free, who sent the memo banning the use of mirrors before leaving the house? Just because you can, doesn't mean you should ! I now have an overwhelming desire to listen to Bill Hicks' Cops/Hunt and Kill Billy-Ray Cyrus sketch, go figure
Reply Keely
5:41 PM on May 4, 2010 
Oh John, I'm so sorry I didn't turn you onto this website months ago. I stumbled across it while researching a client (read: wasting time) when it was still just a baby site. There were only 20 pix posted then so I've seen this site grow like a goiter with a thyroid problem! It's sick and wonderful at the same time. The commentary is sometimes as "clever" as the wall creatures' creative outfits. I was SO proud that it took a ful 2 months before a picture from AL was posted. It's the little things...If you like POW.com then you will certainly enjoy AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com and CakeWrecks.com. There is so much "insightful information pertaining to clients and their past events" to be found on these sites, if ya know what I mean.
Reply John Sciacca
9:17 PM on May 4, 2010 
Gary Mardell says...
I'll admit, I checked out every last photo, my jaw dropping further as each presumed sartorial zenith was subsequently surpassed.

It's addictive, right? You keep thinking, "Well, I guess that's the worse thing there can be!" and then POW! Something that dredges up a whole now scoop of terrible awesomeness! Glad I could share it with you! (Actually, people watching at the Paris equivalent of a Wal-Mart would be something you could do in Paris for free...Wait...who am I kidding? A Paris equivalent of Wal-Mart? Sacre bleu!)
Reply John Sciacca
9:19 PM on May 4, 2010 
Keely says...
Oh John, I'm so sorry I didn't turn you onto this website months ago. I stumbled across it while researching a client (read: wasting time) when it was still just a baby site. The commentary is sometimes as "clever" as the wall creatures' creative outfits. I

You're right., I give and I give with this site and you can't even send me one link to something that is clearly the most awesome thing.....EVER! I also love the commentary. My favorite so far is something like, "Man! Whoa, man! Stop! You've got a jelly fish on your head. Let me piss on it!"
Reply HTI Guy
7:46 PM on May 5, 2010 
the Walmart in Bozeman is a very sad sight indeed as it seems to be, "ugly duckling discount day" 24/7......I mean, WhereTF do these people come from? A gal weighing 3 bills in a halter top and flip flops leaning over to load in a 3rd bag o doritos into her cart is lettin it all hang out......go there before lunch or you will need to eat again after the "spill on aisle 5" hazmat team on the way mudda. Down and Out....literally! Thanks for the stomach cartwheel I just pulled lady and nice tatoo, I hope "Looey" appreciates the advertisement.
Reply [email protected]
7:24 PM on May 13, 2010 
I have seen "some of THOSE" people at Wal-mart. Where is the Shame in showing your but crack???
Shocking to say the least.
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