John Sciacca Writes...

This might be one of my last posts for a while. You see, I have come in to a rather sizable amount of money and I might have to do some traveling. Now, I wouldn't normally boast, but it isn't every day that two million British Pound Sterling is just dumped in your lap. So, for all of you at there that thought my ass-switch was permanently flipped, I'd like to show you what Mrs. Faiza thinks of me! Also, I've got a pretty reliable source in Canadia for some cheap prescriptions and Pen1s enlargements...

MRS. GHAYTH FAIZA.

23, Hawley Crescent,

Camden Town, London,

NW1 8NP, England.

Dear,

It's totally cool that you don't know my name. The fact that you have hand selected me from literally BILLIONS of people is, well, it's just so awesome I can't even tell you. But, you can call me John if you like.

Here writes Mrs. Ghayth Faiza, suffering from cancerous ailment.

I'm sorry to hear about your cancerous ailment. I hope it is not of the ass cancer variety, as I hear that is particularly unpleasant.

I am married to Watson Ghayth an Arabian who is dead.

I didn't realize they allowed you to still be married to dead people in your country. Where I live, death is pretty much universally considered the end of a marriage. I'm glad your country takes a more long term view to marriage.

My husband was into private practice all his life before his death.

Private practice? Like he spent a lot of time alone in the bathroom? You were a very tolerant and understanding woman. I will not speak ill of the dead, especially one who is about to lay some serious ka-ching on me, but I'm glad that I never had the occasion to meet with your husband.

Our life together as man and wife lasted for three decades without a child. My husband died after a protracted illness. My husband and I made a vow to uplift the down-trodden and the less-privileged individuals as he had passion for persons who can not help themselves due to physical disability or financial predicament.

That is kind of an odd passion. I myself enjoy TV and looking at people with horrible skin conditions. Maybe your husband and I aren't so different after all?

I can adduce this to the fact that he needed a Child from this relationship, which never came.

If I may be so bold as to caution you here....Be careful when adducing anything! You know what they say; when you adduce, you add you see... Perhaps if your husband would have practiced privately a little less, you wouldn't have been cursed with a barren, dried up womb.

When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of Two Million Great Britain Pound Sterling which were derived from his vast estates and investment in capital market with his bank here in UK. Presently, this money is still with the Bank.

Also, and I do NOT mean to sound presumptuous, but with his vast estates and investments, I'm feeling like there just might be more than Two Million out there... If you are willing to trust me with some, I really feel like I've earned your trust for all. Please tell me that you'll reconsider...

Recently, my Doctor told me that I have limited days to live due to the cancerous problems I am suffering from.Though what bothers me most is the stroke that I have in addition to the cancer.

Damn! When it rains it pours! First the (possible) ass cancer and now a stroke?! Did the doctor give you more of a timetable beyond "limited days to live"? I mean, is this going to be dragging on for a while, or could I be expecting my money soon? I don't want to count my Pound Sterlings before they're hatched, but there is a new Aston Martin 12-cylinder coming out, and, well, it would be so sweet to just convert those Pounds to happiness. And I'm worried that if I don't get in on the pre-order, I might miss out on this year's run.

With this hard reality that has befallen my family and I, I have decided to donate this fund to you and want you to use this gift which comes from my husbands effort to fund the upkeep of widows, widowers, orphans, destitute, the down-trodden, physically challenged children, barren-women and persons who prove to be genuinely handicapped financially.

Oh... So, does this mean no Aston? What if I let the poor people and barren women look at the car and maybe buy them like a 64 ounce soda they can share? I mean the *really* Super Big Gulp size. Any flavor. Seriously. Even if they want to add extra syrups or even get a bag of chips. That seems in the spirit of your dead husband. My daughter has prophessed a dislike for chocolate, so I would like to start with trying to help that.

It is often said that blessed is the hand that giveth.

I prefer "heavy is the head that wears the crown" but you may also bless my hand if that is more to your culture. Just not the left one, cause, you know...

I took this decision because I do not have any child that will inherit this money and my husband's relatives are bourgeois and very wealthy persons and I do not want my husband's hard earned money to be misused or invested into ill perceived ventures.

I hate bourgeois relatives! While I am not burdened with any myself as it were, I can only imagine that it would really suck! I mean, REALLY! The nerve of those people trying to become part of the social middle class! They should know their place! When I have your money, I will do my part to crush these hateful, social climbers! I have heard that music can make the people come together, and that it will mix the bourgeoisie and the rebels. Perhaps that would work for you? How did your husband feel about iThings? They have a new phone out today that looks to be totally the opposite of an ill perceived venture.

I do not want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly manner, hence the reason for taking this bold decision.

Ummm, which God are you down with? I mean, ungodly to some might be, say, funding radical terrorism to another. Just want to make sure that we're all on the same page here. Is this some kind of veiled anti-PC slam?

I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am going to be with the Almighty when I eventually pass on.

OK...words like "eventually" and "going to be with" make me think that you are going to try and drag this whole thing on a LOT longer than I initially thought. May I take an advance on this money and secure a second medical opinion on your condition? Also, I would like to take another small advance and go wine tasting in a few weeks. Maybe a little trip up the Rhone valley. I'm sure that your husband would want me to travel comfortably as well, so please arrange for something near the "front of the plane" (I trust that will be clear to someone who is used to dealing with such haughty in-laws.)

The Almighty will fight my case and I shall hold my peace. I do not need any telephone communication in this regard due to my deteriorating health and because of the presence of my husband's relatives around me, I do not want them to know about this development.

It's settled. I will DEFINTELY not call you. Not even that ring once, hang up, ring twice and then ask if MR. Faiza is home thing we worked out. So, NO calls. Check! However, I do keep up with Linked In and I will be happy to post comments on your blog.

With God all things are possible.

Selah! (I am reading the Bible myself, and this is a little something I've picked up from the book of Psalms.) Just think; earlier today, I was just another person, started a new work week. Now, here I am! Nearly a millionaire! Indeed, all things ARE possible!

As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the Bank in UK. I will also issue you a Letter of Authority that will empower you as the original beneficiary of this fund.

I love the sound of that! And may I add that you are TOTALLY making the right decision! The other day, I found a dime on the beach and I didn't not purchase one single ungodly thing with it! And several weeks ago I purchased an ice cream cone for my niece and one of her friends, which I believe is the sort of benevolence that your still dead husband was looking for. So, I just wanted to let you know what kind of person your money is going to!

My happiness is that I lived a life worthy of emulation. Please always be prayerful all through your life.

Please assure me that you will act just as I have stated herein.

I did come clean about the Aston Martin, right? I mean, that IS on the table...

Hope to hear from you soon and God bless you and members of your family.

Reply to my mail through my email address: [email protected]

Yours Faithfully in Christ,

Mrs. Ghayth Faiza.

Maybe this will be rude to point out, but generally, when your husband is, uh, dead and all, you drop the Mrs. part. It is more socially acceptable to go by Ms. Also, this could scare away any potential suitors at the cancer treatment center, so I wouldn't want you to miss out on any action (wink-wink!) during you last, horrible painful, cancer and stroke filled days.