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John Sciacca Writes...

Features, Reviews and a Blog by John Sciacca

Random Thoughts (Blog)

Random Thoughts (Blog)

Two for flinching

Posted on June 11, 2010 at 3:30 PM

I have the little news headline thingy activated on my Vista laptop’s little sidebar window. And normally it is filled with little blurbs like “Lindsay Lohan: Not again!” or “Another cataclysmic down day for the Dow!” and “BP CEO says oil spill good for gulf” But, yesterday a headline popped up that left me utterly powerless to stop myself from reading more.

 

The headline? “Injuries from ‘sack -tapping’ on the rise.” Let’s dive-in, shall we?

 

When you click on the link, you get this in bold red print: “Groin-punch ‘game’ harms more boys” then the deck is “Injuries from ‘sack-tapping’ attacks on the rise, doctors say”

 

Wow. I mean...just wow! First off, I didn’t know that “groin-punch” was a game. I mean, I *totally* haven’t been keeping score all these years. It makes you wonder if Milton-Bradley and Nintendo have really failed us this utterly. I mean, when the alternative to Monopoly or Mario is a punch to the balls, you really need to take a step back and wonder if we’ve taken a societal misstep. Also, are there any winners in a classic groin-punch match-up? And it “harms more boys” than...what? More boys than girls? (Cause, seriously, they seem to have an unfair advantage here.) More boys than that bar on bikes whose only design goal is to just wreck a guy’s day? More boys than that crazy soccer ritual where you line up in front of a guy that basically kicks a ball at you as hard as he can?

 

I’m guessing that the *best* part about a game of sack-tapping is explaining it to a newb.

“Hey, guys! Whatcha playing?”

“Sack-tapping.”

“Cool. Can I play?”

“Sure!”  IMMEDIATE DOUBLE-PUNCH TO THE BALLS!  “You lose. And I don’t feel like playing any more. See ya!”


Here’s the totally awesome first paragraph:

“Though most won’t admit it unless they have to, more teen boys are being treated after cringe-worthy attacks in which they’re slapped or punched in the groin...” (OK, a *real* man would never “slap” another man’s gents. For the record slapping by men is reserved for French aristocrats initiating a duel and pimps.)

 

OK. The best phrase is TOTALLY “unless they have to” ‘cause no one wants to come home clutching los balls and admitting defeat.

“Uhh, Johnny, I notice that you’re hunched over, moaning, and holding your stomach. Something you want to tell me, champ?”

“No. I’m OK.”

“Come on, kiddo. You can tell me. Don’t let my tweed blazer fool you; I was a young man once too, you know!”

“No. It’s just. Well, you know...”

“Is this about some girl, sport?”

“No. Definitely not a girl.”

“You know, chief, things aren’t so different. I went to school once ya know!”

“NO! THINGS ARE DIFFERENT!  I GOT SACK TAPPED, OK! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?! SOME DUDE WALKED UP AND PUNCHED ME! IN...THE...BALLS!”


As best I can tell, sack-tapping (though I will also accept the terms “nut bagging,” “Smotum!” “teste-whumpas,” “distresstical,” “Smash Ball!” “Go-Away-Nad” “junk shopping,” "demoting the privates," or “crumpeting the tea bag”) is a mostly male sport, played by ambushing a fellow competitor and then sneak attacking them in the be-jewels. And, despite the fact that all the cool kids are doing it and that it sounds like this summer’s hottest fun-time activity, a pediatric urologist claimed that “this is, in fact, a form of bullying.”

 

If you want to read the entire story, here it is.

 

Categories: June 2010, Bizarre

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4 Comments

Reply Craig
2:04 PM on June 17, 2010 
Dude, that game, albeit with different names to the game, has existed for centuries. I spent a week hanging out with some professional soccer players and their little iteration of the game is that they get you into a group discussion, one of them is holding a soccer ball in his hands, after you get deep into the discussion, wham-o, ball in your balls. Of course, after everybody gets used to it, the game gets more challenging because no matter who you are talking with, you have to cover your nuts. It could be a completely harmless conversation about where to go to eat that night, but there you are, standing there holding your nuts.
Reply John Sciacca
2:22 PM on June 17, 2010 
Craig says...
It could be a completely harmless conversation about where to go to eat that night, but there you are, standing there holding your nuts.

And really, doesn't that make ANY conversation better? And WAY less awkward.
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