We get a wild mish-mash of mail at Custom Theater. While most of it goes straight in the trash (see you in hell, Mother Earth!), some of it is so interesting that it demands a quick look through.

Last week I got something inviting me to an employee management seminar and it must have been an especially slow day because I opened it up and I let Glenn Shepard lay some Jedi Employee Ass Kicking Mind Tricks on me! The top of the letter said that his class would help me to “Hire with confidence, fire without fear, tame toxic employees and put your team on the fast track to record-shattering success!"

I love the sounds of all of that! You over there! No, not you, loser guy! You, the genetically modified Uber human! You're hired! You! Complainer guy! Sorry about your wife and mortgage payment, but you're outta here! You, always-has-an-excuse guy! Stop being a bitch, bitch! We're fast tracking to success here people, so let go of my coattails and help me paddle this ship!

The letter also included Glenn Shepard’s RULES of WORK. (I think international ass-kickery laws stipulate that when speaking of Glenn Shepard's RULES of WORK you must always use capitals, bold and italics. I mean, come on! Show the RULES the respect they demand before they kick your ass and then fire you!)

Without further ado, I give you the ten RULES:

Raises are earned, not given.

(Damn straight, Glenn! Wait...does that include me too?  How about bonuses? Can I just arbitrarily take them to offset the lack of raises? Glenn...?)

If you can’t be on time, be early

(This actually mirrors a proverb from my first golf employer, Bud. I called them Bud-isms. His Bud-ism was, "John-boy, if you aren't 5 minutes early, you're 5 minutes late." That is actually a head spinner if you really sit down and think about it. According to that, can you ever actually be on time? See. A real mind trap.)

Leave your home life at home.

(When I hired you, I didn't also want to hire your wife/girlfriend/mom/dog/babysitter/mortgage lender, etc. If I knew they were part of the package, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now.)

If you’d wear it to the state fair, don’t wear it to work.

(Also, when I give you a uniform to wear, that means that I want you to wear it. And when it gets a giant, gaping hole in it, it means I want you to throw it away and NOT wear it any more. I know that is complicated, but since you're now arriving early, we'll have time to go over it further.)

Work’s tough – that’s why you get paid to do it.

(I'll also accept "If it were easy, everyone would do it." Also, your job description can have a floating definition. Today you might be installing speakers. Tomorrow you might be cleaning out the van. The next day you might be dusting the showroom. I am putting all of that under "work." If you keep complaining, I'm sure I can find some trenches that need to be dug. What? Yeah, that's what I thought.)

When you make a mistake, you fix it.

(And fixing it doesn't mean trying to cover over it or blaming it on someone else. It also doesn't mean you coming back to the store and telling that that, "Oh yeah, I messed something up so now you  need to schedule some time to get it fixed. Sorry, dude!" See RULE #1 about the raises and understand why you have been making the same money for the past 2+ years.)

If you wouldn’t say it to people’s faces, don’t say it behind their backs.

(Part of my problem is that it turns out I DO say it to people's faces. So I guess this one should really be broadened to cover an overall sense of just having better tact in general. But, let's be honest, these two guys  totally had it coming. And I'm not sure that blogging about them is technically the same as talking behind their backs. Technically....)

Never bad mouth the company in front of customers.

(Preach on, Glenn! Dirt stays in the family. When the family gets together behind closed doors, that's the time to air the grievances. But when the family is in public, I expect an Iron Wall of nothing but solidarity and smiles. Think of the company like a slightly less evil Kim Jong-il. We like to be referred to in terms of "Dear Leader" or "Benevolent Master" or "Oh Glorious Provider." Any other terms will be met with swift and firm justice.)

Reasonable mistakes are acceptable; carelessness is not.

(This includes leaving tools -- laptops, ladders, drills, battery chargers, client files -- on the jobsite. This is very similar to the  RULE about fixing your own mistake. Don't come back to the shop and then tell me I need to find the computer. Cause I'm going to respond with "You need to buy us a new computer. Should I take it all out of one check or spread it out over 2 or 3?")

Professionalism means doing your best even when you don't feel like it.

 (There's a lot of days I don't feel like coming in. But I do. And I'm here on time. (Well, I'm not sure if I'm on time or early or late, the whole Bud-ism thing has had me confused for years.) Remember that when I'm cutting YOUR check on Friday. OK? Pro?)

To drink more from the waters which are Glenn's fount of awesomeness, check his Website here...