I have mocked the Gods. I have chastised them, I have berated and belittled them and I have done the modern day equivalent of strolling into Zeus’ temple, undoing my leather girdle and taking a long, steady piss into his fountain. All the while looking up towards Olympus, laughing, shaking my fist and shouting, “Drink up, you feeble Zeus! You impotent figment of Greece’s imagination! Bwa-ha-ha!”  

Except these are the Antenna Gods.

And they are apparently NOT to be trifled with. Because now they are pissed.

And yesterday they decided to punish me.

Throughout the first 3 days of the CEDIA show I loudly – and frequently – bemoaned my assignment to cover an antenna press event. I tried to get out of it. I tried to give it to someone else. I faked a stomach cramp, and when bent over, moaning and wailing, I licked my palms, But, alas, it was destined to be. So I went, and shock-of-shocks, it wasn’t that horrible! I thought that the change-of-heart tone of my story would have appeased the Antenna Gods, but they are thin and whippy, and once their anger has been raised and they have got their Yagis all in an uproar, there is nothing but Hell to pay.

And yesterday, I paid.

They first tried to drown me with torrential rains that caused flash flood warnings. So much rain that my swimming pool – which – as swimming pools are wont to do – had a minor leak behind the light and was down about 18-inches before leaving for Atlanta – was now TOTALLY overflowing. And my pool is not meant for an infinity edge. So I got home from work last night, suited up in some old golf rain gear and went out and sat in the pouring rain for about 30 minutes and backwashed my pool. I imagined myself a bad ass Navy SEAL, hunkered down in the elements, completely silent and invisible, a black hole in the night, while listening to the sound of water dripping off my cap and looking for a baddy to direct fire on. But in reality I was just a jack ass sitting cold in the pouring rain in water up to my ankles with a steadily growing back pain from the awkward angle as I drained about 6 inches of water out of the pool into already super-saturated ground.

So I get back into the house, take a shower and then return to check that my DVR is squared away and set to record Survivor and Hell’s Kitchen. And this is when the Antenna Gods raised their smiting to a whole new level.

My cable – which up to this point has had like a 99.9% success rate – was out.

There would be no recording Survivor or Hell’s Kitchen for me. “Who is the Antenna bitch now, mortal! We are still here, receiving free over-the-air programming sent from the GOD’s!!!!”

Damn! DAAAAAAAMN!

Don't believe that I am being singled out for persecution for my insolence? I called Time Warner. There is no outage in my area. My neighbors are even at this very second watching the High Defs. It is a unique problem to my house. Curse you, AN-TEN-NAAAAAAS!!!

To get through the persecution I opened – and drank – an entire bottle of red wine. (This is the trouble I get in when Dana is away.) So, feeling somewhat warm and tingly and comforted in a cozy red wine blanket, I slinked off to bed. But the Antenna Gods were far from through with me. They decided to take away the only thing that keeps me from wandering the streets in search of brains to feed on; my electricity.

I am then jolted awake up at 4:06 AM to this loud beeping. It is my Belkin UPS protecting my A/V rack telling me that it is doing its job like a good soldier and supplying precious battery power while the Gods have their way with me. And it keeps beeping. And beeping. So I get up and disable the audio alert. And head back into bed. And the Gods wait until I start to doze back off and then restore power just so they can pluck my puppet strings and laugh some more. Because the power restore causes the Lutron automated lighting to flash on once briefly and then return to its “Goodnight” setting. And my computer to power back on and bring the monitor to life. And my printer to come on line and start printing a FRICKIN’ CARTRIDGE ALIGNMENT PAGE!!! Bwa-bwa. Bwa-bwa. Bwa...bwa-wa-wa-wa-waaaaaa!!!

I take it all back! I love you, Antennas! Everyone should buy 3 or 4! Now, please, release me from your pokey, jabbey clutches!