When an e-mail slips through the chasm-sized gaps in AOL's special-ed spam filter, it is usually always something totally personal, hyper-targeted and meant specifically for me. This includes all of those "Pills U Want Direct From Canada!" and "Last Longer! Please Your Lady Like a REAL Man!" ads. The Internet knows that I like the kinds of medication that can only arrive through the mail, from a foreign country in a plain, brown wrapper delivered addressed to "Current Occupant or Resident."

So when I see a message with the subject, "ONLINE BOOKKEEPER NEEDED............." well if someone was willing to go to ALL that trouble to use so-so important ALL CAPS and that many periods to empasize JUST how badly they need a bookkeeper, well the least that I can do is to read the message from Mr. Owen Smith at return email address  [email protected]

Let's see what he wants, shall we?

Hello,

Would you like to work online from home and get paid weakly?

Owen -- may I call you Owen? I just imagine that you'd be the kind of forward-thinking hipster that would say, "Please, call me Owen. Mr. Smith is my father!" -- I DO like to work online from home. In fact, it might surprise you to find out that I am actually ONLINE from HOME right now!!!!! Yes! It's true! Also, I love getting paid weekly -- you did mean WEEKLY right, and not WEAKLY? I'm hoping that was just a little typo between friends. The English language can be a right tricky bastard and those homophones can really trip up a non-native speaker. Frankly, I don't like getting paid that way much at all.

Greenworld Fabrics and Textiles Limited needs a book-keeper in the state, so I want to know if you will like to work online from home and get paid weekly without leaving or affecting your present job?

I like the sound of Greenworld. It has a save-the-planet, we're progressive and don't pour radiation down the drains kind of ring to it! But crucial question: In what state? I am Gold status now, so I would be willing to do some travelling. Just between us, I could *live* in that First Class cabin! Again, to confirm, I not only WILL like to work online I DO like it! Thank you for clearing up the payment quandry. WEEKLY is way better for me. Way.

THIS IS SAFE AND LEGAL.

Whoa! Yellow Flag! Why wouldn't it be safe or legal? Right? We're just two guys e-mailing about a bookkeeping job, right Owen? I mean with a name like Greenworld and all. I figure it is not only safe but actually healthy and probably even borderline spiritual and might even qualify me for some kind of Nobel work. Since I'll be in the bookkeeping department, I'm guessing I'll be up for an award in Finance or Economics. How many previous bookkeepers have pulled down the Nobel from Greenworld?

You are required to receive payment on behalf the above mentioned firm.

Like on payday? They pay me and I am required to accept the check whether I want it or not? That seems a little forceful, but I accept your terms. I WILL receive their payment. Weekly.

You are to deduct 10% of all funds processed on a particular order & forward the balance payment via western union or Money Gram to any of the company's regional branch that will be given to you later. This 10% will constitute your wages.

Oh. Hmmm. Well, that uh... Hmmm. That is my bookkeeping role? So I get to skim take 10% off the top and then forward on the rest? Is this rate negotiable. I might need a couple of extra points since it sound like I will have to LEAVE my home and go OFFLINE to head down to the western union (which I believe should be capitalized, but...). This seems like a bit of a last second game-changer. The Western Union office seems a shade grungey and not in keeping with the Greenworld image that we've been trying to cultivate. How would your feel about a nice Coach or Mont Blanc leather attache filled with non-sequential Benjamins? That seems pretty "green."

All tax will be paid according to how the law stipulates in your region. Please if you are interested, should forward the following info to my email :

1) Full names

2) Phone number

3) Full contact address (not P. O. Box) to include city, state and zipcode.

4) Occupation:

5) Age:

6) Have you done this kind of Job before?

You have not requested several vital bits of info. To speed the application process I am going to just preemptively supply my driver's license, date of birth, social security and passport numbers as well as several major credit cards and my banking info. I want you to see that you've selected the right man for the job and that I trust you as much as you trust me! Re: Item #4. Shall I put down "Bookkeeper for Greenworld Fabrics"? Or "Guy that takes 10% off the top"? Not sure what you're looking for here. Also, re: item #6. How important is this? I mean, working on the computer at home I'm totally squared-away on; taking 10% and wiring money to strangers will be a new career move for me, but I'm sure I can adapt quickly. Ten percent is a pretty easy number to figure, and I'm really good at moving a decimal point one place to the right. Wait, I mean left. Damn! Owen, don't worry;  I'll just use a calculator!

More Detail about the Job will be email to you , after the confirmation of your information above.

When you keep capitalizing "the Job" it makes me a bit, well to be honest, nervous. Like we're talking about something underhanded like bumping somebody off or pulling some kind of Ocean's-style Vegas hijinx. Though I just re-read the part about this all being entirely Safe and Legal so I can see that I'm just being a nervous Nelly! Sorry for doubting you, Owen! It won't happen again!

You job effectively starts from tomorrow.

Wow! "Effectively starts from tomorrow"? I'm not even sure exactly what that means. Like I need to be starting tomorrow? Like not today, now, but tomorrow tomorrow? I'm not sure that I'm totally ready. I mean I figured there would be W2s to fill out, some handbooks to read, maybe an employee orientation or two to answer the crucial questions. Like when is coffee hour? What is considered inappropriate office attire? How casual is casual Friday?

I will update you from time to time on what to do.

You sound like the kind of hands-off mentor that really knows how to motivate an employee to deliver their very best! I'm not sure whether I should start calling you "Oh Captain, my Captain" or Yoda. I hope that isn't too weird for you. You may continue to call me John, or "My Padawan Learner" if you feel that our relationship has reached that level. I will eagerly await each of your future communiques as if I am receiving a basketful of manna from heaven. Except that basket will likely be an e-mail. And the manna will be, well, that will also be the e-mail. OK, forget about the manna basket. It was wandering. Hopefully you are still following me.

Warmest Regards

Owen Smith