Oh, AOL spam folder! YOU are like a box of chocolates! First it was a deathbed offer from ass-cancer sufferer Mrs. Ghayth Faiza who singled out my uncharacteristic generosity and strength of character to help charitably dispose of her husband's millions. Then there was my so-called "friend" Sam Sutherland -- and his hypothetically hot and borderline alcoholic girlfriend, Lena; oh, Lena... poor, dear, sweet Lena... -- who was beat-up in London and needed my help. Today's bit of deliciousness comes from one Mr.Peter David...or does it?

I am Mr.Peter David.  

From: Peter okon

[Even from the getgo, it is clear that this e-mail is jumping on board the express train to awesometown! One minute we are dealing with Mr.Peter David, and the next some nefarious character named Peter okon. Or perhaps this message is just of SUCH sensitive nature that he felt he had to jump on a co-workers computer to send it. Secretly setting Peter okon up for some serious genital electrocution or perhaps a waterboarding the likes of which Gitmo could never even imagine!]

To: undisclosed recipients:

[I'm sure that he is just increasing his odds of a reply by sending this to more people than just me. Like I'm guessing 2 or 3 others just to be on the safe side. And I appreciate his discretion in using BCC so that we aren't all sharing our financial secrets with everyone. Clearly there are a LOT of random X discs floating around the o'le C.B.N.!]

Date: Mon, Mar 14, 2011 3:39 pm

Hello Dear,

[It's like he wasn't sure whether to be formal or familiar here and ultimately just played it safe and went with both. But I like that we're starting out on such intimate terms. He's instantly catapulted himself right up into the rarefied air with Dana and my mom by being the only ones that call me Dear!]

I am Mr.Peter David. A computer scientist with central bank of Nigeria . I am 26 years old, just started work with C.B.N. I came across your file which was marked X and your released disk painted RED, I took time to study it and found out that you have paid VIRTUALLY all fees and certificate but the fund has not been release to you.

[What...the...hell?!? First, why is my file just floating around the offices of C.B.N.? I mean, I'm sure I signed some confidentiality papers or something when I, um, opened, that, uh, off-shore, uh, account or whatever it was in Nigeria. And does the X mean my account is closed? And what is a released disk and why in God's good name is it painted RED? I DO applaud your industriousness in studying it. Thank goodness that the Nigerian school of business and computer studies had a fully fleshed out ethics program! Now, just how many fees and certificate are we talking about? I can't recall paying ANY fees or certificate. And I have been very thorough about keeping track of ALL of my Nigerian spending. And you say I paid "VIRTUALLY all"... Does this mean that I am going to need to pay some more before the fund is released to me? Mr.Peter David: I must know, sir!]

The most annoying thing is that they cannot tell you the truth that on no account wills they ever release the fund to you; instead they let you spend money unnecessarily.

[Yes, that IS the most annoying thing. Even more mysterious is who "they" are and exactly WHY they cannot tell the truth. So, you're saying that I've just been unnecessarily sending payment for all of these fees and certificate with no chance they wills ever release the fund? Forgive my language, Mr.Peter David, but...BASTARDS! These sound like no-account crooks, and I'm beginning to question why I ever chose to do business with the Nigerian Central Banking System in the first place. I probably don't need to tell you that in my country, many -- MANY -- people question doing business with Nigeria. It seems like there are so many lost millions of dollars floating around the country and getting lost and forgotten in inheritance and overthrow issues. And, how is it that so many of your princes die over and over with seemingly millions of dollars trapped in country? And just how many princes do you have over there? It seems like a near endless supply. And, are any of them getting married? My country seems BIG on royal weddings. Regardless, you people really must be more careful with your royal family!]

I do not intend to work here all the days of my life, I can release this fund to you if you can certify me of my security, and how I can run away from this Nigeria if I do this, because if I don't run away from this country after I made the transfer, I will be Seriously in trouble and my life will be in danger.

[Oh, Mr.Peter David...you're young! At 26 you have your whole life ahead of you! Of course you won't work there all the days of your life. Unless you are some part of the royal family-- in which case 26 is an unbelievably ripe old age -- or have some family history of disease or glandular disorder, I imagine that you'll have several jobs in your future. Though 26 does seem a bit old to just be starting off at C.B.N. I'm guessing that you loafed around for a while after college and then probably decided you'd take some extra classes to get out of paying your student loans back for as long as possible. Be honest! But, enough pleasantness! So, you're saying that in order to get my money -- MY MONEY -- I have to not only certify you of your security BUT also find a way for you out of Nigeria? Because, you've already implied that I have paid for "VIRTUALLY all" of my fees and certificate; now, that's MY money and, brother, I want it back! I've got a leak in my pool, and I want to fill it with Nigerian hundreds! And it sounds like you're trying to slip some kind of de facto ultimatum or veiled threat in there. Don't think that I won't come flying over to Nigeria to get mine! And you'd better start thinking how Seriously in trouble and in danger you're life will be if you keep screwing around with Americans and their moneys!]

Please this is like a Mafia setting in Nigeria ; you may not understand it because you are not a Nigerian.

[OK, newsflash: My last name is Sciacca. There is a city in Sicily with my family's name. I think it is safe to say that I am both NOT Nigerian and that I am FULLY qualified to understand Mafia-like settings. So what have we got here? Horse heads in beds, shoot-outs over cannolis, drive by machine-gunnings on wedding days? What? Perhaps we need to send them a Sicilian message...it means Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes! Or, insert some Nigerian prince name there. You get my drift.]

The only thing I will need to release this fund is a special HARD DISK we call it HD120 GIG. I will buy two of it, recopy your information, destroy the previous one, and punch the computer to reflect in your bank within 24 banking hours. I will clean up the tracer and destroy your file, after which I will run away from Nigeria to meet with you.

[When you use the word "special" I'm hearing "expensive." Look, I have an ass-load of USB flash drives. Like an entire drawer full of them. 520 Meg, 1 Gig, 2 Gig, coupla 4 Gigs, you name it. Surely I can just erase some press releases and product photos and we can reuse some of them...? And just what kind of HARD DISK is this and why do you call it "HD120 GIG?" You mean it is a 120 GB drive? Does it have the Wi-Fis and the more gee-bees? So, you're gonna buy TWO of these things, presumably leaving one in my file -- smart! I like your thinking here! -- and then send the other to me? Now, with the speed of the banking system, why will I have to wait a full 24 hours to get my money? And what in the hell is a banking hour? Is that like a "light year" or a "dog year" or something? Do you mean like three 8-hour work days? Because I don't think I can wait that long. And will I be accruing interest on my money during this time? Wait...what?! You're running away from Nigeria...to meet with...me? Umm...awkward! Uh, be sure to call first. Like, seriously. Love working with you, and really want to get my fees and certificate back, but...Call.]

If you are interested. Do get in touch with me immediately, You should send to me your convenient tell/fax numbers for easy communications and also re confirm your banking details, so that there won't be any mistake.

[I AM interested in the getting money part; however I am also a little sketched over the meeting you part of it. Can I be half-in? Also I trust that with all of my information and X disc and RED painting and all the fees and certificate I've paid for that you have my banking details well in hand. Just use whatever info you've got. I'm sure there won't be any mistakes. PS: I love easy communications! They're just the best!]

Regards,

Mr, Peter David