My previous post was from a PR rep asking me to help him do his job. And one of his questions was to describe some of my pet peeves you have about PR people and their pitches. One of the things I didn’t mention was receiving a PR pitch that is full of typos. Brent Butterworth shared a brilliant typo a few months ago where a high-end amplifier manufacturer was touting their “Mono Amplifier Pubic Debut.” Granted, I like a pubic debut as much as the next journalist, but you’d think that might be the kind of thing you catch before, you know, you hit “send all.”

Well, this next message arrived from a manufacturer wanting to sell me projection screens – I think – and it is so fraught with misspellings and awesome use of grammar that I thought I’d share. Granted, if I tried to send a message in Chinese I’m sure that it would come across reading like, “Fun-fun, happy lucky panda! Go most special! Story writer you pay money excellent! Quick time, most number one good writer! Yes go win! Thank you, thank you, super high-five blossom hug!” (Apparently the Google translator that I use adds a lot of exclamation points.)

Here’s the message:

Dear sir:

We’re manufacturer of projection screen in China. Projection screen wide used in office, education, cinema and family. I got the information your company doing on this subject. So I contact you look forward to have chance to cooperate. You can get more information from our website. If there something we can do for you please tell us. I hope to get your detail requirement on projection screen.

Best Regards

Bruce

Nantong Golden Bada Vedio &Film Equipment Co. Ltd

No 66 Yinhe Road Chahe Town Nantong City Jiangsu China

Http://www.jbdym.com

(Claps hands and smiles!) Oh! I just love “wide used” projection in family! And my company IS doing business on this subject. Also, let’s just get this out of the way; that guy’s name is “Bruce” like my name is “Deshi Huang-Fu Ju-Long” (roughly translated to Virtuous man, rich future, a powerful, gigantic dragon). Maybe had he started with “Please excuse! In China we only learn 5 language! Understand you America school learn one language! I use best translation Chinese to English! Most humble forgive!” and then signed off using his actual first name, it would be less like he was trying to slip one by...

So, intrigued as I was by “Bruce’s” initial message, I visited the Website link which takes you to Golden Bada Projection screen, with a leaping dolphin as a logo. This is the text – in italics – copy-and-pasted word-for-word from their English home page:

NANTONG JINBADA AUDIO AND VIDEO EQUIPMENT CO., LTD. is the exclusively foreign-owned enterprise which belongs to HongKong BaDa Technology &Development Ltd.

Our company is engaged in empolder-ing, manufacturing and saleing the projection screen, with its advanced equipment, technology and skilled staff. Our products has the strict management system, pass the certification of CE & ROHS which be approved by European Union, with the great variety and specification of goods.

I don’t know exactly what “empolder-ing” is but I’ve no doubt it requires advanced equipment, technology and a skilled staff to pull it off and probably requires chemical processes and waste byproducts that would be deemed too hostile or threatening to our delicate American sensibilities. And judging from some of the things I’ve heard about Chinese factory conditions, I’m not sure I want to know TOO much about their “strict management system.” Does this require peeing into a bucket at your workstation, working in poorly lit and under-ventilated conditions, 18 hour work days, and an expendable work force or pre-pubescent girls because they have slender and nimble lady fingers? Or is that not strict enough for the harsh demands of the violent empolder-ing phase?

Variety: Electric screen (Remote control screen), Tripod screen, Manual screen, Floor screen, Electric Tab-tension screen, Fix frame screen and so on.

Material of screen surface: matte white, grey matte white, glass beaded, grey glass beaded

Scale: 1:1、4:3、16:9,special sizes processing.

I’m *dying* to know what color “grey matte white” is. It sounds like a contradiction in terms, but then again, who can say just what kinds of powers and colors are birthed during the violently essential and borderline destructive empolder-ing process? And look, they’ve got your screen needs covered: electric (with remote), tripod, manual, tension and so on and so forth, ad infinitum, ad astra, forever, and ever, with zero, my hero, how wonderful you are!

For your choice, we can supply the OEM processing, out of the quantity control.

Our company almost exports the screen to abroad, have the stable long-term cooperation with the purchaser from German, France, Poland, Australia, Taiwan, Thailand and so on, be approved with our quality and services.

I, umm, am actually really not at all sure what that first bit means. I understand I have a choice, but what I'm choosing is anybody's guess. I definitely do NOT want to remove their quantity control from the equation. You remove that, and POW! You just bought yourself 236,847 screens, buddy. Sorry! Guess you shouldn’t have checked the “out of the quantity control” box, now should you? No...where should we back up that container ship? Also, between the world-renowned empolder-ing, only possible to accomplish to maximum greatness during the rarest of lunar events and under maximal gravitational duress, and their “strict management system” I *definitely* want them handling the processing. It’s a real bummer that they “almost exports the screen to abroad.” I guess that means that I can almost be a customer. Damn! DAMN! Now that I’ve had even an imaginary taste of empolder-ing, my non-empolder-er-ed screen filled life is going to just seem so pointless and random. I’m wondering…maybe, JUST MAYBE the US is included in that all encompassing and dismissing “and so on...”  

We hold our ground of the Operation Principle” Customer Satifaction, Trust foremost”, show our true sides to the all consumer.

This entire sentence just rings of military jargon. Saying “we hold our ground” sounds like it might have been lifted straight from the People’s Liberation Army handbook. As in, “You hold your ground, or we shoot you from behind! And then kill family and take house!” It isn’t a phraseology that fills me with warm and fuzzy thoughts of empolder-ing grey matte white screen watching happy-happy family fun time. And “Operation Principle” has the ring of a NATO air campaign or something doesn’t it? “Today, we’re going to embark on Operation Principle where we plan to deny the enemy use of his air space. Immediately following the successful air portion of Operation Principle, we will transition into Operation Trust Foremost, where we will put boots on the ground, engaging the local friendlies and demonstrate our willingness to work with the indigenous population. I’ll not be taking any questions.” For some reason, I read that final bit and all I can see is Hitler screaming at some propaganda speech or something. “WE WILL ANNEX POLAND! WE WILL DEFEAT THE ENEMY! WE WILL SHOW OUR TRUE SIDES! WE SHALL BECOME THE CONSUMER UBER-ALLIS!”

To expand the market, need your participation and our great efforts, our company will supply the fine quality, competitive prices and highest cost performance products

I’m glad that my participation – coupled, of course, by their great efforts – will allow Golden Bada Projection Screen to deliver the “highest cost” products. Because if there is anything I’ve been looking for in the projection screen space, it is a “higher cost” product. Sometimes, I look at the new Stewart 4-way masking CineCurve screen selling for like $20,000 and I’m like, “Come on, Don Stewart! You can’t keep giving your milk away for free!” Finally, we’ve got a player in this space that will offer highest cost products! And all this time you thought all the A/V gear coming out of China was cheap!