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John Sciacca Writes...

Features, Reviews and a Blog by John Sciacca

Random Thoughts (Blog)

Random Thoughts (Blog)

The Terrafirminator -- Oh, yeah, brother!

Posted on May 27, 2011 at 1:37 AM

Despite the fact that I’m convinced that a “free” Redbox rental is really just a cleverly disguised ripoff like that stupid power balance wristband infomercial, Dana can’t look a gift coupon horse in the mouth. So when a Blockbuster – oh, you blue-signed Devil! I don’t care what you say about your “new” and “improved” late fee policy, you’ve scorned me once too often and I’ll not let you hurt me or my wallet again! – coupon arrived for a free movie, Dana was powerless to resist. (Or, more likely, she was just fed up with the current state of our Netflix queue and decided to take matters into her own hands. Admittedly, I *might* have gotten a little careless and stacked a couple of documentaries a tad too closely together in the old queue. I should definitely know by now than putting documentary on DC comics and another on the history of Disney animation back-to-back is going to be met by immediate scorn and disbelief, followed by a cool period of passive and begrudging acceptance at best.)

So with a free coupon code in hand, Dana picked up a Lauryn movie from the Bluebox, Gnomeo and Juliet. While I had really no desire to see this movie – lawn gnomes recreating Romeo and Juliet? And not done by Pixar? And featuring kinda awkward forced in Elton John songs all throughout? Yeah, this movie’s not gonna be making anyone’s top 10 list. But, Lauryn called me all excited to watch it – “Guess what! Mommie got a movie and we’re gonna have a special night tonight! Mom! What was that movie again?!” – and she has such a passion and zeal for watching movies on the big screen what kind of monster am I to not oblige? Plus I love leaning over to her in the movie and whispering in her ear, ("do you think we should have some popcorn?") and she'll say, "Ewww! Yeah! We need to have popcorn with a movie!"

So the movie was pretty much what I expected, plus with the added bonus of my mom saying, “Oh! That’s Elton John” or “That’s an Elton John song” and “Another Elton John song” at every musical number. But then came the bestest, most awesomeness part of the movie. This in-film ad for the ultimate lawn mower called The Terrafirminator. So, to save you the pain of renting it – actually, it’s NOT totally horrible, it just could have been oh so much more clever if say Pixar had done it. Like there was this mushroom that hopped around smelling things like it was a dog...? Maybe I just wasn’t smart enough to recognize the mushroom as like an allegory for US foreign policy or something. And this weird, big-lipped frog that cleaned the gnomes by spitting water onto them. Umm, a commentary on the alarming rate that we're depleting the earth's natural resources or something? – I’ll give you the nickel spiel on the movie and a YouTube video of the greatest part of the film. 

There are these two neighbors who basically hate each other; one has red lawn gnomes, that other blue. These people are in a massive lawn competition or something, and – naturally – the gnomes come to life when no one is looking and they hate each other. Blah, blah, forbidden gnome love that is doomed to tragedy. Of course, chaos ensues, and they start ruining and sabotaging each other’s lawns. And at one point, they have a lawn mower race, and the old blue lady’s lawn mower gets trashed. So she goes shopping on the Internet for a new one. And what she stumbles across is one of the greatest fake commercials...ever! Without further ado, I give you, The Terrafirminator, brother!

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Awesome, right?! That voiceover is by none other than the Hulkster, Hulk Hogan. It's unnecessarily powerful! Now with 75% more power! Your grass will be afraid to grow! You probably noticed the text that whipped up at the end. Sensing the presence of brilliance, I of course rewound and paused it Simpson’s-style and copied down all of the text from the rapid credit scroll. And it’s every bit as great as the commercial itself. In case you were considering buying a 9999.95 GBP lawn mower, note these precautions: (No kidding, this is really what it says)

·    Terrafirminator will not inhibit grass from growing

·    Not recommended for residential use

·    Not recommended for commercial use either

·    Do not use vehicle while sleeping

·    Do not stick your fingers in tiller blade – duh

·    Nor recommended for children under 3

·    Or 4

·    For external use only

·    After use, lawn may appear completely destroyed – do not be alarmed – this is perfectly normal

Side effects of using the Terrafirminator may include:

·    Dry mouth

·    Heightened levels of testosterone

·    Nausea

·    Loss of hearing

·    Blurred vision

·    Ssslured speech

·    Voices telling you to burn things

·    Loss of bowel control

·    Persistent feelings of awesomeness

·    Tight hamstrings

·    Megalomania

·    In rare instances some people may explode when viewing the Terrafirminator

Makers of the Terrafirminator will not be held responsible for damages, injury, infidelity caused by the use of this product.

Categories: May 2011, Movies, Family

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