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Googling "incinerated testicles"
Posted on May 21, 2010 at 10:59 AM |
As I’ve mentioned before, I am fascinated with my Website’s analytics. How many visitors do I get, where do they come from, what do they read, and how do they find me.
Google is the giantest repository for finding stuff, and I get my share of Googlers. Usually they wind up to me by searching “3D” or my name or (most recently) anything about Kaleidescape. But I do get the occasional random (and awesome) searches like “flower of dasvidaniya plant” or “south korea green packaging.” So, imagine my surprise when yesterday I see this little bit of information:
First, I *guess* I’m proud? surprised? disturbed? morbidly fascinated? that my site comes up as the SECOND result on Google when you search “incinerated testicles.” I mean, of all the Websites in the WORLD, mine is the second leading authority on this subject. So I guess I’m pretty much expecting a flood of new burnt testicle related traffic. (Men’s Health takes the top spot with the topic “Exactly what happens to a man’s testicles once he has been castrated?” So, you know, I’m in pretty esteemed company.)
But, this search just raises oh *so* many questions.
First, why did someone in Blessington, Ireland *need* to know about incinerated testes? Was this some kind of medical emergency? Was he walking over to reach something from a top shelf and the lid of his George Foreman grill happened to slam down and shut on his man bits? Was he squatting down to pick something up and didn’t notice that kettle of boiling oil? Did he jump out of the shower and decide that his car's engine needed to be worked on that very second, clothes be damned? Did he run to his computer, holding his charred and melted jewels thinking, “Google, surely you can save me!” only to find my site and see a review of Remoticus Maximus? I can only take some solace in the fact that perhaps I offered him some bit of humor in his last betesticled moments…
Or perhaps in preparation for that once-a-year day of beach weather that Ireland gets, maybe he was doing a bit of research prior to giving himself an in-home Brazilian. How hot should the wax be? If you don’t have access to wax, could you use, say, a curling iron or perhaps one of the eyes on your stovetop? Perhaps then Remoticus distracted him from the task at hand and helped to make him more comfortable with what must be truly unnatural body hair.
Now Irish cuisine can be a bit odd, so perhaps he was looking for a new way to prepare mountain oysters (or the far more awesomely titled “Montana tendergroins”). Maybe he was tired of always undercooking them, and wanted to know if someone could offer some bits of wisdom on cooking, uh, bits.
Or was it something more nefarious? Perhaps it was a jilted woman who’d thought she’d up the ante on Lorena Bobbitt and her penis chopping by going with full-on scrot burning. Maybe she was looking for instructions on HOW to properly incinerate testicles, proven techniques from the masters of this dark and cruel art. In that case, I can only hope that Remoticus swayed her from her path down the dark and burny side.
I fear we’ll never know the answer to these questions or the many, MANY others that a search for “incinerated testicles” raises. But ifyou should ever return, oh Irish testicle incinerator, please let us know!
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10 Comments
Being hirsute and chaetophobic is a most unfortunate marriage. Imagine if you will long, curly , wiry black hairs, far too numerous to count attempting a mass exodus from beneath the edge of your bathing suit or shorts. Not only is it unsightly it 's a potential death sentence. What if these thin fiends were to become entangled in something, say the spokes of a bicycle wheel or the blades of a hand mixer? You get the point , need I say more? The problems associated with pubic hair burning are far more numerous than most persons imagine. Sure, there's the obvious incinerated testicles that come to mind but let me tell you, there's plenty of other stuff down there that I wouldn't recommend holding a lit match to. Another potential disaster I would like to mention that most lay persons forget is that hair is incredibly flammable. I mean the stuff burns like a gas soaked rag. Although I detest any body hair below about the level of the the eyelashes I have come to terms with the hair on my head and we maintain a civil if not friendly relationship. When it begins to bother me every 4th week or so, I punish it by hiring a professional attack on it with methodical cuts.
If you must know, one of my two Hawaiian accomplices, the holder of the match was none other than............. John Sciacca!! How quickly we forget eh Johnny boy? You yourself were a hairs breadth from being a testical incinerator yourself! As they say, what goes around comes around and the dog returns to his own vomit!
I was compelled to write this post in tender defence of my new Irish friend who, although I will most likely never meet, must bear this burden half a world away. Take care my friend, take care.
[email protected] says...
If you must know, one of my two Hawaiian accomplices, the holder of the match was none other than............. John Sciacca!! How quickly we forget eh Johnny boy?
Repressed.....memories.....resurfacing.....! Ohhh, the burning, the horrible, horrible burning! I was more thinking that you'd mention something about our favorite Nepenthe statue, however this is far more apropos and monstrous. I will say it's true, every word, but that this poster is also family, so I guess what they say is true; blood IS thicker than burning pubes...
Dana says...
Chris' account of the "incident" in Hawaii is quite disturbing. Quite disturbing indeed.
Chris is too busy doing other things with knives and fire.....this Robinson is all Gabe. I wonder if the match has been passed to Jill? (Shudder.....)

John- You've got to get out of there! Get us all off this subject and start writing like you've never written before! You need to rapid-fire unrelated topics to help us all forget about this horror. Perhaps, in time, much time, what they say about tragedy becoming comedy will ring true. But I'm afraid that in this case, the best that one will be able to muster is a nervous giggle, at best, without being able to look you in the eyes.
Oh!!! It won't go away!!! The mental picture of the three cousins in that room!!! I'm gonna go back and look intently at the picture you posted of that Author. Much more calming. Feeling more relaxed. Good nite...
John Sciacca says...
Repressed.....memories.....resurfacing.....! Ohhh, the burning, the horrible, horrible burning! I was more thinking that you'd mention something about our favorite Nepenthe statue, however this is far more apropos and monstrous. I will say it's true, every word, but that this poster is also family, so I guess what they say is true; blood IS thicker than burning pubes...
So was this some childhood dare or was it "you burn mine & I'll burn yours"? And how exactly does one come to the conclusion that taking a FLAME to your testicles is the best option for hair removal? I have to say, I've done some pretty crazy things in my day, but burning another dudes pubes?....Seriously?
So was this some childhood dare or was it "you burn mine & I'll burn yours"? And how exactly does one come to the conclusion that taking a FLAME to your testicles is the best option for hair removal? I have to say, I've done some pretty crazy things in my day, but burning another dudes pubes?....Seriously?
[/Andrew]
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