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John Sciacca Writes...

Features, Reviews and a Blog by John Sciacca

Random Thoughts (Blog)

Random Thoughts (Blog)

Celebrity Death Match: Gulf Oil Spill

Posted on June 21, 2010 at 4:26 PM

This weekend when I saw a blurb on MSN news I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. (I chose neither and instead worked this up.) That the government is now turning to Kevin Costner to help with the oil spill just seems so surreal that I can’t even really put it into words. Seriously, I think that some actors get so wound up in the God complex of playing these bigger than life characters that they forget they are just regular people who don’t *really* have any special skills at all. (I’ve seen old Tin Cup Costner play golf, and let me tell ya, he ain’t making any cuts at The Open!) And really, did he learn SO much from fighting the smokers in Water World that now he has decided to channel that knowledge into saving the Gulf?

 

In some kind of hearing, Costner said that “negotiating your way through the bureaucratic maze that currently exists is like trying to play a video game that nobody can master.” Kevin, if you can’t master a video game, then maybe deep sea oil rig repair isn’t the right avenue for you to channel your excess energies. Perhaps instead we should just all chip in and get him a copy of Wii “Clean up at sea!”  Also, in the most modest way possible, he said basically “You all idiots have no idea what you’re doing and I can fix this thing, you know, if you want.” His actual quote might have been more along the lines of, "I'm not on a white horse. I'm not the savior to this thing. But I'm kind of saying, like, I got a life preserver."

 

That “life preserver” (or the even more fantasmagorically entitled “Dream Machine”) is some kind of centrifugal motion machine that sifts oil from the water in a completely environmentally friendly way. Apparently, Costner hasn’t been doing any movies lately because he’s spent the past 15 years and $20 million developing this machine, knowing that one day BP was going to call him for the roll of a lifetime! The machine apparently can separate 99% of oil from water and recycle up to 2,000 barrels, so, seriously, Costner or no, if it works, this thing would be the bomb diggity.

 

Kevin “Hey, BP, these machines aren’t free” Costner says that 20 of his Dream Machines could have had 90% of the Exxon Valdez spill cleaned with a week.  Though, I could also claim that if I could go back to ‘80s and buy up every share of Microsoft and Apple stock (you know, bring those two together under one roof, perhaps calling in WinApp or AppWin, I’m still deciding), I would be one of the richest men in the world today. I would be merciful and just, yet rule with a heavy, often punishing hand. I think my people would respect the “Firm but fair!” motto.

 

BP actually tried the machine earlier this year, but the test failed after it gave the oil a peanut-butter like consistency and both Jif and Reese’s declined, saying their peanut butter was already oily enough, thank you. Apparently this problem is now fixed and BP is going to deploy 32 of Costner’s doohickeys in the next 60 days.

 

Fortunately, the world (or at least 500 people) remembers the 3 hour shame which was The Postman and more rational thinking has prevailed against pinning all hopes for a white sandy-beached Gulf on Costner’s magic machine. Remember, “It takes one postman to make someone else a postman.” (I don’t really know how that fits in either.) Plan B will be a Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga, Ryan Secrest telethon! (Sadly, I’m not making that up.) Instead of the sure to be painful telethon, perhaps they could just drag Gaga through the water in one of her ridiculous outfits with maximum hair accessories. Actually, toss Bjork in there too with her swan dress and that is probably good for several hundred gallons of clean-up alone.

 

I can only wait for the next level of celebrity congressional hearings.

“Will the gentleman please state his name?”

“Yeah, old timer. It’s Snoop, the Dee Oh Double-Gizzle. “

“Go ahead, Mr. Gizzle.”

“Yo, listen up, white top. What we got here is an East Coast problem, fo rizzle. So you gots ta handle it in an East Coast way, dig? Ya’ll players need to wake up and start treatin’ this spill like a ho. Pimp up, fo shizzle.”

“Yes. So the gentleman recommends that we ‘pimp up’?”

“The Lexus, flexes, from Long Beach to Texas. Now I got my mind on my money, and I’m down to fix this whenever, however, forever. Now marinate on that, my nizzle.”

“Mr. John? Any follow-ups?”

“What?! This spill can’t punk the king of crunk! Yeah!”

 

And if you thought that Captain Kirk might be able to help, he’s already declined in a song written (seemingly) just for this occasion:

 

I have saved the world in the movies

So naturally there's folks who think I must know what to do

But just because you've seen me on your TV

Doesn't mean I'm any more enlightened than you

 

I'd love to help the world and all its problems

But I'm an entertainer, and that's all

So the next time there's an asteroid or a natural disaster

I'm flattered that you thought of me

But I'm not the one to call.

 

And I wish I knew the things you think I do

I would change this world for sure

But I eat and sleep and breathe and bleed and feel

Sorry to disappoint you

But I'm real.

 

Actually the ONE celebrity who *could* possibly help is James Cameron. I mean, if they really wanted to get some… Wait? What? He has already offered to help? Well, thank God! This problem will be wrapped in no time, plus we can all watch it in 3D! It'll be like The Abyss part 2!

 

What? You’re saying that Cameron reached out to BP a month ago and they told him the crisis was handled? Really, BP? By “handled” did you man you’re just going to break off more sections of the well to speed up ALL of the oil spilling out? Just wait until every last gallon has seeped out of the earth’s crust and then there won’t be any more leak to worry about? Fortunately, old king-of-the-world Jim didn’t let a little corporate blustering stop him. “When the situation went on without a resolution, I figured the guys I knew had to be as smart as the engineers at BP, so it was time to sound the horn.”

 

Cameron has personally logged more than 2,500 underwater hours, owns a fleet of submersibles and ocean-ready robots, has done tons of deep dives including multiple trips to the Titanic, a 15,000 foot jaunt to the WWII wreck of the Bismarck, and is planning a one-man trip to the 36,000 foot depths of the Marina Trench. So a little 1 mile oil spill jaunt would be like a light warm down.

 

 “Over the last few weeks I’ve watched as we all have with growing sort of horror and heartache watching what’s happening in the Gulf and thinking, those morons don’t know what they’re doing." Keep bustin, Jim!


"I know really, really, really smart people (I think the differences is that BP only knows really smart people, and this is a crisis that REALLY calls for those two extra, uh, reallys) that work typically at depths much greater than what that well is at,” Cameron said.


He concluded by stating what sounds like the obvious. Obvious to anyone who, you know, doesn't routinely by $800 hammers and spend millions of dollar developing pens that write upside down instead of just a $.10 golf pencil. “The government really needs to have its own independent ability to go down there and image the site, survey the site and do its own investigation. Because if you’re not monitoring it independently, you’re asking the perpetrator to give you the video of the crime scene."

 

If you want to read the ACTUAL results from the ad-hoc panel of experts that Cameron assembled it’s here and actually quite lucid and insightful with not one mention of Avatar or how he could capture the wreck with the best 3D on the market.

Categories: June 2010, Movies

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